Lessons From Loving: My Recent Relationship and What it Taught Me About Life (Part 3 of 3)

Spoiler alert!

This is a continuation of a love story that began 10 years ago. You’ll want to start at the beginning to get the whole story.

TLDR the first few blogs: after 9 years of being apart, Alex and I reconnected. The relationship is even better this time around; personal growth will have that effect. But as much as we love each other and enjoy living together, we realize we’d have to sacrifice fulfillment in order to stay together. We decide to end the relationship, but to spend one last week together first.

The first couple of days after we make this decision are HARD.

Every time I look into their eyes I see what I’ll soon be losing. It feels like my heart is cracking right open. I’m overwhelmed with loss even though they’re right there. We both do a LOT of crying.

I have a healing session scheduled with Nich Sena of Nascent Energy that I try to cancel. I explain that I’m so distracted by my current situation that it will be hard to focus on what really needs healing.

Nich explains that this might be the perfect time for a healing session. Because I’m going through so much, stuff has likely bubbled to the surface that may not present itself on a typical day. We have a unique opportunity to heal it now.

I trust Nich both as a healer and as a friend, so I take his word and show up for the session. We focus primarily on the relationship. I ask Nich to clear anything keeping me from being present and enjoying Alex's company for the next week. As well as any fear that I won’t be able to find such a deep connection with anyone else again.

I leave feeling surprisingly good.

Alex and I have an amazing night together - no tears in sight - and a fantastic next day. We still have moments of sadness, but also many moments of joy. We’re truly enjoying each others’ company and cherishing the time we have left together, and it’s wonderful. I tell Nich he needs to specialize in breakup healings, and he agrees!

When the tough feelings do pop back up, I use PQ reps to snap out of the difficult emotions. My favorite technique is to rub two fingertips together, really focusing on that sensation. It only takes 10 seconds of this to bring the mind back to a neutral state.

I don’t do this because my emotions are bad; the PQ program teaches that there is nothing wrong with any emotion. Just like there’s nothing wrong with pain.

It’s good that if you were to put your hand on a hot stove you would feel pain. It alerts you that you need to change something to keep you safe. If you kept it there after feeling that initial pain though, you’d be doing serious damage to yourself, and might want to get your head examined.

Tough emotions are similar. It’s good to notice them, but not helpful to stay in them. Pulling myself out of sadness (often accompanied by a daydream about what it would be like when Alex was gone) meant being able to actually enjoy being with them. (Note: this doesn’t apply to grief, but I didn’t want to spend our limited time together grieving. I wanted to wait until Alex was gone.)

Positive intelligence isn’t just about feeling neutral though, it’s about feeling positive. I decide to lean into the philosophy that every circumstance can be a gift, and really seek those gifts out.

The most obvious gift is that this challenging situation is providing a gift of inspiration to strengthen my self-command (PQ) muscles to stay present. I realize that most of the time when I start feeling sad it's not because I'm sad at that moment. It's because I'm predicting future sadness. I'm projecting what it's going to feel like when my person is gone.

The moments of sadness are cues to do PQ reps. And every PQ rep strengthens those PQ muscles, helping me to be even more positive in the future. Added bonus: they make the sadness go away. Yucky emotions tend to leave and I just get to be in the moment. I want to be clear that this isn’t about avoidance. It just brings the mind back to what’s real: the sensations in the body (vs. the stories in the head).

I also find a gift of knowledge in my newfound clarity. Now that I'm not so focused on making a relationship work, I'm able to see other things that weren't the best fit in our relationship. I get more clarity on what I need in a life partner, such as a positive mindset.

I find another massive gift: strengthening my ability to keep my heart open, even in very difficult circumstances. It would be easier for me to push Alex away. To ask them to leave or to at least focus on the things that I don’t like about them. But I choose not to do that. I choose to stay in love for another week.

One tool I discover that helps me keep my heart open is giving it physical protection. I realize that heart-to-heart cuddling is difficult, but I’m able to feel good being close if I angle my body or bring my hand to my chest. Doing so allows me to share those moments of connection and keep my heart open and feeling good. I’ve shared this with friends and clients who have found similar benefits. Give it a shot next time you’re on a vulnerable phone call; place your hand on your chest and see if that allows you to open up a little more.

With the gifts at the forefront of our awareness we enjoy the hell out of a week together. I'm not gonna lie, there are definitely tears from both of us during this time. But overall, it's quite special and wonderful. And I'm really glad that we gave ourselves that gift.

Once Alex was gone I made sure to take care of myself

I gave myself the day that they left to be in community, putting off processing the loss.

The next day I felt numb, but I knew I owed it to myself to release what was. I’d have to do that or I wouldn’t have space for the things I wanted to come next. I wanted to do this in nature where I feel most connected. So I printed the guide I use for moving through transitions and took myself on a hike.

I found a spot among the wildflowers and moved through the steps. I grieved as I reflected on everything that I lost, including the version of myself that I lost. And then I moved on to the fun part: considering the possibilities that have the opportunity to come my way, now that I have let this love go. The emotions moved through me, and I came back to myself.

I couldn’t be more grateful for the past few months, and wouldn’t change a thing. They leveled me up, without a doubt. I’ve gained a ton of clarity and control over my mind. And had a lot of wonderful moments with someone that I love.

I’m happy to share that Alex feels more grounded now that they’ve returned to the South. We’re both moving forward with reverence for one another for doing what was best for ourselves and ultimately our relationship. No matter how much two people love each other sometimes they are better off apart.

I did go through one final exercise to close out and release the relationship, after asking my spiritual mentor for a full moon journal prompt. She suggested that I write a eulogy to the relationship. Here it is:

Are you curious about how PQ might support you in your life? Book a free call, and I’ll send you a saboteur assesment we can discuss when we meet!