Why I Don’t Use Gender in My Storytelling
If you’ve been following me for a while you may have noticed that when I write about other people I tend to use “they/them/theirs” for those individuals’ pronouns. You might be wondering if I happen to have a disproportionate number of nonbinary people in my life. I don’t.
My choice to use gender neutral pronouns in storytelling is an intentional one. I’d like to live in a world where more people attempt to do the same (I say attempt because I’m not perfect at it, and I don’t expect others to be either). This blog is about why.
What kind of stories am I talking about?
You may be thinking that of course, some storytelling needs to include gendered pronouns. I will agree that it can simplify a story, especially when it’s about one person who uses one set of pronouns and a second person who uses another. I believe that using gendered pronouns makes sense in historical nonfiction and that we should refer to people the way they identify themselves.
It’s to be expected that many fictional characters will have binary gender identities… and that many won’t. My future memoir probably will include the pronouns my friends and partners have chosen for themselves, which often are gendered. I’ll do so because one of my goals with that book will be to paint a picture of my life.
My main focus in this blog post is on anything that’s written or spoken to the reader or in support of the reader, such as self-help, motivational, and inspirational stories. This includes most writing, fiction or non, that speaks directly to the reader. As well as educational writing, when there’s been research to prove that it applies regardless of sex and/or gender, whatever is applicable to the topic at hand.
I typically leave gender out of my blogs even when they are about my life. That’s because my goal isn’t usually to paint a picture of my life, it’s to use my life as a mirror for my reader to create their own reflections.
3 reasons why I try to tell my stories without gender and encourage others to do the same
1. I try to leave gender out of stories in an attempt to normalize it in order to create a safer world.
This necessity is built on a harsh reality that those of us who surround ourselves with like-minded open-minded people may forget sometimes. No matter what your personal experience is, the truth is that in the world we live in in 2023 - even in America, the “land of the free” - people who aren’t heterosexual are often treated differently. They are at increased risk of discrimination and even harm.
With that in mind, it seems really fair that some people in same-sex relationships may not want to announce their partner’s gender, right? But in a society where heterosexuals are constantly referring to their partner by their gender, that becomes hard to do.
Think about it: if 90% of the office refers to their partner as their “husband,” “girlfriend,” or whatever… it will likely stand out when 10% use the term partner or spouse. But if we normalize people referring to their intimate partners as their "partner" everyone will be able to do the same without standing out.
So I try to do that in my personal life and my storytelling. I believe it’s especially important in my writing because most of the relationships I write about are between a man and a woman. For instance, the Alex of my recent blog series on my last relationship is a man. But I don’t believe that detail was relevant to the story, which was about my growth vs. the person I had been dating.
So I left his gender out of it by using they/them pronouns. The story didn’t suffer, and it allowed me to stay in alignment with my values and the world I hope to help create.
2. I leave gender out of my stories so more people can see themselves in the stories.
Most of my blogs aren’t about me, even though they contain stories about my life.
I don’t share my stories just because I want people to know who I am. I share my stories so others can learn from my experiences and misadventures. Like when I wrote a blog about how FOMO almost ruined my vacation. I maybe I could help keep it from ruining yours.
One of my goals with my writing is to reflect back to others parts of THEM that they can relate to. I want them to be able to picture themselves in my stories, and I believe that including gender can add an obstacle to them doing so.
Similarly, I hope that by leaving the gender out of a story we eliminate any preconceived notions about characters/people playing out the "proper" gender roles society has assigned. I’d rather your attention be on the actual person and their personal experience. Removing gender in storytelling broadens our expectations of who should be with who and the way a person "should" be acting.
3. It’s one of the best ways I can think of contributing, as an individual, to a world in which people don’t feel confined to gender roles.
I believe that gender definitions were a big contributor to the lack of belonging I experienced as a kid.
Front and center... NOT having that Brownies BS
I didn’t want to be a girl, because A) some of the girls I knew were very mean and shallow and B) I didn’t want to be clean and weak and do boring stuff like play with Barbies. I wanted to spend my time with the boys, get dirty, and play with Ken dolls.
It took having my hair chopped off and hearing strangers ask if I was a boy or a girl for me to realize that I didn’t want to be a boy either. I just wanted to be myself and do the things I wanted to do. I didn’t have any language for this at the time; I was just a girl who didn’t fit in.
I know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. Many kids suffer similarly, especially in less progressive locations. It’s also a big deal for a lot of adults. Sensitive men often see themselves as outsiders. And strong women may be seen as abrasive and off-putting. I was told, in my last role in the oil industry, that my “confidence bordered on arrogance”. Even though I had a tendency to express how unsure I was of myself, something other women had advised me against.
You might be thinking “We don’t have to get rid of gendered language to change that. We just have to stop associating personality traits with gender”.
I hear you, and I agree that that would be nice. But what seems easier: to stop associating a bajillion different personality traits with men, or to stop referring to people as men based on how they look? Personally, I think it will be easier to change our language than it will be to dissociate all of the things that we’ve tied to that language.
The gender binary is a massive systemic problem. I can’t fix it on my own, but I want to contribute in any way I can. I believe that on an individual level this change starts with the way we write and speak. So instead of continuing to box people into the binary with my stories and conversations, I choose to help normalize the world I want to create.
Changing the way you’ve written and talked your entire life isn’t easy.
I mess up a lot myself. I still inadvertently gender strangers on the street. And on more than one occasion I’ve described my toaster as “he”.
I’m not asking anyone to be perfect, including myself. I’m just asking that we try to work toward creating the world we want to experience. And for me, that starts with actively trying to leave gender out of my storytelling.
If you’re confused about any of this stuff or want to have a thoughtful conversation about it, feel free to reach out to me personally. I’m always interested in how I can grow and make a bigger impact when it comes to diversity, equity, and inclusion, and I’d love to hear your thoughts.
And if reading this has you curious about my identity, stay tuned for my next blog where I’ll dive into that! You can be alerted when it comes out by following me on Instagram or by joining my newsletter. It comes out once a month and includes a monthly wrap-up, a lesson from life, and links to my blogs and other features from the previous month.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Hi! I’m Bara. I’m a transformational life coach and speaker. I help people transcend limiting beliefs, master the art of transforming negative thoughts & emotions, and make happiness a habit. If you’ve read all the books and put in the effort but still don’t have the joy, confidence, and inner peace you crave, let's chat!
