My Identity

Me, Bara Mann

Hi! I’m Bara. I’m a life coach and a writer, amongst many other things. I’ve changed a lot over the years, and so has my identity. I know some of my friends and followers have questions about that, and that my previous blog (on why I storytell without gender) may have led to more. I like being an open book, so I decided to unpack my identity in the form of a blog. 

Disclaimer: In this blog, I’m going to share some definitions and their sources. I think it’s important to note that I am not an expert on gender identity. I had someone review my first draft of this blog who works in this space professionally to help ensure it was going to do more good than harm. They corrected some of my language and helped me become even more aware of the impact of my privilege. They did not review the final blog. If I have made any mistakes here I apologize and I welcome your feedback. Feel free to email me at bara@baraco.org.

I can’t discuss my identity though without first giving you background on the lens from which it is shared.

I recognize and acknowledge that the majority of my identities are in close proximity to privilege. I have a LOT of privilege as a White American who grew up upper middle class. And while I may not have control of that privilege I do have control over the way I talk about it.

I have so much privilege that I hardly think about the socio-cultural aspects of my identity. I identify as White, upper middle class, in my 30’s, physically fit, and Jewish (more so cultural and ancestral vs. religious). Because the majority of my identities are in close proximity to privilege, I’m not forced to think about them much. They often fade into the background of my existence, which is possible because they blend right in with the surrounding landscape.

Identity is made up of personality traits in addition to socio-cultural traits, and privileged folks such as myself tend to identify with our personality traits more.

I identify as a healer, an engineer, and a writer. While I am a life coach and speaker I wouldn’t say they’re part of my identity at this time. They are things I do vs. who I am, but that may change with time.

Writing outdoors- as good as it gets?

I also identify as caring, loving, thoughtful, and compassionate. As active and outdoorsy, and as thoughtful and kind. I identify as playful and fun, smart and intuitive. As open-minded and upper middle class. As educated, inquisitive, physically fit, and a lover of animals. I identify as rational, spiritual, vegan, and an entrepreneur. I identify as a manifesting generator, and both as a Californian and as a Coloradan. I don’t feel like my sexuality contributes to my identity at this time, and my identity as a snowboarder seems to be on its way out (even though I continue to love the sport).

I have to acknowledge that the reason I identify more with my personality traits than my socio-cultural traits is because of my privilege and how my identities are recognized in society. 

If my identities stood out more I’d be forced to think about them more, and therefore I’d feel like they make up a bigger part of who I am. For example, have you ever met a kid who identifies as right-handed? Probably not, because they don’t need to. Left-handed kids have a different experience in society though. As do people who aren’t White, people who don’t have a gender that matches either one of the restroom doors, and people who can’t afford to join their colleagues for drinks after work. People tend to identify more closely with their traits that stand out or are targeted by society.

Gender doesn’t make up a huge part of my identity these days, but it’s a topic I’m incredibly passionate about.

I've been hearing from brave friends of mine lately that gender isn't a topic they understand well. So I want to talk about it more. It's a conversation that feels important to keep having as we evolve and change as humans.

I identify as a woman and as so much more. 

I respond to and identify with all of these pronouns: she, they, her, them, hers, and theirs. I identify with all of them equally so if you pick a set and stick to them, that’s fine… but I do feel extra special when referred to with “they”. 

While I light up when someone else introduces me with “they”, I typically use “she” when asked to write in the third person about myself. I don’t love this tendency, but I spent about 34 years exclusively identifying as “she”. It isn’t easy to break free from language you’ve used your whole life.

Unlike many other people who use they/them pronouns, I don’t currently identify as nonbinary. Nonbinary (per PFLAG.org, which is also where I got every definition that follows) “refers to people who do not subscribe to the gender binary. They might exist between or beyond the man-woman binary”. 

While I certainly don’t subscribe to the gender binary, it doesn’t currently seem true to me that I identify outside of it. If I was forced to choose between identifying as either nonbinary or cisgender I would pick nonbinary, but it’s not part of my identity. It doesn’t make up who I am. This isn’t a good or bad thing, it’s just what’s true for me…. And as discussed above it is likely only true for me because society sees me as a member of the dominant (cis) group. If I appeared trans, society probably wouldn’t let me forget it, so it likely would feel like an important part of my identity.

Banana Bara, on the left

I know that I get to experience the world with the privilege of a cisgender person, someone “whose gender identity aligns with the sex assigned to them at birth”. I have this privilege because I identify as a woman and because I present as one (unless I’m wearing a banana costume that hides my hair and the shape of my body).

If I didn’t identify as a woman, or if my gender appeared more ambiguous, it would make many aspects of life more difficult. I might think people were judging me every time I walked into a public restroom. I might feel (and be) very unsafe in some. That is the experience that many nonbinary and trans people have, and that is absolutely not ok. We need to do better as a society; everyone should be able to pee in peace. 

^^ I’m not kidding. Imagine having to decide between risking a bladder infection or risking physical harm. That is currently how it is for many people across the U.S. and the globe, and that is completely unacceptable. It’s up to those of us who aren’t in danger to take the responsibility that comes with our privilege and uplift the voices and needs of nonbinary and trans individuals. 

Before moving on I want to clarify that having the privilege of presenting as cisgender does not preclude someone from identifying as nonbinary or trans*. I struggled with this a lot last year: did I have the right to use they/them pronouns? 

Hermosa Pride is one of my favorite weekends of the year

My therapist helped me work through this. First by assuring me that it is highly unlikely that anyone will force me to declare my identity. Then by helping me accept for myself what I know to be true for others: that no one needs to earn “rights” to their identity. It’s perfectly acceptable to use they/them pronouns simply to normalize degendering our language, or for any other reason. 

(*Trans, by the way, stands for transgender and describes “a person’s gender identity that does not necessarily match their sex assigned at birth. Transgender people may or may not decide to alter their bodies hormonally and/or surgically to match their gender identity.” This means that all nonbinary people are TECHNICALLY trans (except the rare few who were named nonbinary at birth) but they may or may not identify with that word.)

That about wraps up the important parts about my identity at this moment. If you’re confused about any of this stuff or want to have a thoughtful conversation about it I’d be happy to discuss it. We can do that through email (bara@baraco.org) or Instagram DM (instagram.com/baracobara). I may not have answers to all of your questions but I may be able to point you toward resources that do. 

Please note: it’s only acceptable to reach out to me for this conversation because I’m volunteering for it. Remember, no one is obligated to discuss or disclose their gender identity (including that colleague you’re pretty friendly with). All you need… or get… to know about someone’s gender identity is what they choose to share.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Hi! I’m Bara. I’m a transformational life coach and speaker. I help people transcend limiting beliefs, master the art of transforming negative thoughts & emotions, and make happiness a habit. If you’ve read all the books and put in the effort but still don’t have the joy, confidence, and inner peace you crave, let's chat!