I recently had an experience that feels most accurate to describe as an epic journey. For the details you can peruse my Instagram, previous blog, and recent newsletter (sign up to make sure you get the next one here).

I learned a lot on that journey that I want to share more about here. Including how I avoided f*ing it all up and losing everything I gained. And how similar actions can support us in making desired change.

Lots of what I learned on this journey was about myself and the way I want to show up in the world. Things like:

I legit get emotional over pre-sunrise skies (Joshua Tree National Park, Ca)

I want to hug trees and touch rocks on a regular basis… not just when I travel
I get energized by strangers, and therefore want to work in communal spaces. I want to spend more time in coffee shops (something I love doing when I travel) even when I’m in my own city
I want to enjoy my nights vs. using them to shut my mind off from the world
I really like socializing without drinking, and I want to do more of that
I want to write every day
Specifically, I want to write at coffee shops or cafes in the morning… and I don’t want to wait until after I work out
I want to experience more sunsets and pre-sunrise skies
I want more depth and intimacy locally (to expand my local conscious community)

While this clarity was beneficial, transformation requires integration.

Knowledge is great, but unless we incorporate our learnings into our lives nothing will change.

As I headed home at the end of my 3.5 weeks away I felt an urgency to incorporate this stuff into my daily life. I knew it would be easier to create new habits before I settled into my old ones, so I wanted to do it right away. At least, that’s how I see it now.

In reality, I didn’t spend the long drive home focused on what I wanted. I was focused on what I didn’t want:

I didn’t want to spend nights on the couch watching tv that bored me
I didn’t want to log into Instagram in the morning
I didn’t want to start my work day at my desk surrounded by all of the distractions in my home

I didn’t just “not want” to return to these habits, I was afraid of falling back into them. I was afraid that if I did, it would be game over…. I’d lose everything I learned.

Intellectually I understood that this wasn’t true. I knew, logically, that even if I were to spend one-night watching mindless tv I could make a different choice the next day. Logic wasn’t prevailing, though. It seemed urgent - dire even - that I make these changes and make them right away.

The cozy coffee shop vibes I want to recreate!(Flagstaff, AZ)

I want to address the tv thing because I realize I'm probably losing some people on this one. I don’t think there is anything wrong with watching mindless tv. I personally really enjoy it, sometimes. There have also been many times when I didn’t enjoy it at all, but I fell into the habit of doing it anyway. I want to avoid recreating those times.

That sense of urgency and tension stayed with me when I arrived home. My shoulders would rise up as soon as I looked at… or even thought about… my couch that faces my “giant” (55”) tv. I felt disgusted by the layout of my living room. I was in a frenzy. I had to change my apartment and I had to change it fast! I didn’t actually have the means to do that, so I made a goal to do it soon and decided to busy myself in the meantime.

Thankfully, this tension only lasted for a couple of days before I realized I was making a classic mistake:

I was running away from what I didn’t want, instead of moving toward that which I did.

I knew better. One of the main teachings I took away from an NLP course (before dropping it when I realized that neurolinguistic programming is manipulative AF) was that the subconscious does not understand negatives.

I’ll give you a classic NLP example to show you how this works:

Whatever you do, do NOT think about a pink elephant.

What are you thinking about?

My issue wasn’t just that I was working against what all of the research says. It also doesn’t feel good to run away from something. Imagine that you’re at the starting line for a big race. Which goal would you find more motivating: “Don’t be last”? or “Finish in the top 90%”?

One of my fav ways to spend the evening: rollerblading at sunset

I decided immediately that I’d stop hiding from what I didn’t want. Instead, I would intentionally move toward the bright new future I envisioned for myself. A cozy one, in which I’d spend more nights reading, painting, walking, or socializing. And a few watching mindless tv, which I’d fully enjoy.

Imagining this future made me feel warm, joyous, and cozy. I became excited about the process of finding new-to-me furniture that would foster the coziness I wanted to create. I felt motivated to adjust the angle of my couch because I wanted to. I’m feeling a bajillion times better in my new space, and I have yet to watch any joyless tv.

We don’t just benefit from a positive mindset when we want to create change. Shifting your frame to be positive can make any task better and even any interaction better. Here are some examples… which feels better?

This isn’t just applicable to small changes.

When I attended TedX Manhattan Beach recently, one of my favorite talks was on “climate optimism”. Lyn Stoler, “Climate Optimist” and public health and climate researcher, spoke about how climate change can seem so daunting, and prevention so difficult, that it can feel paralyzing. That resonated with me. I’ve definitely had moments where it seemed like taking the right action wasn’t worth it. Why bother when it wouldn’t outweigh the actions of everyone else?

Lyn used to struggle with this too, but that changed when she decided to shift her mindset and view climate change through a positive lens. Instead of focusing on everything that would need to happen for the world to get unf*cked (my word, not hers) she started asking how her actions could make a difference.

I immediately saw how bringing this into our everyday lives could make an impact. Especially in a place that I find prime with opportunities for self-judgment: the grocery store.

Have you ever stood in front of the greens, and tried to convince yourself to “not be an asshole” by buying the single-use plastic? That it’s wrong of you not to buy the loose ones and wash them yourself? I’ve tried this a bunch. 9/10 times I convince myself that it doesn’t really matter: everyone else is buying the plastic containers of greens. One more container won’t make a difference.

Imagine, though, standing in front of those loose dirty greens and seeing them as an opportunity. “If I buy these and spend a couple of minutes washing them, I’ll be able to make a difference, even if it’s small!” Doesn’t that feel better? I enjoyed those loose greens more, too. I experienced zero guilt as I opened my salad spinner to pull them out.

This can extrapolate out to so many choices we make on an everyday basis that affect our planet. From how to travel, to where to travel, to where we choose to invest.

This way of thinking really helps me out when it comes to my relationship with the beach.

When I moved to Hermosa Beach a couple of years ago I started walking it regularly. While I think our beach is cleaner than most, I still find a lot of trash. This used to really get me down. “Who the f* are these people, and why don’t they care about the environment? If we can’t even take care of our beach in California, how is there hope for the rest of the world?”

Before I got too frustrated though, I realized that I could shift my perspective to see it in a different way. Now I see each piece of trash I find and pick up as an opportunity. I’m grateful for the opportunity to keep it out of the ocean. Now I enjoy my walks more, and I take more of them.

“Cool, Bara, must be easy for an optimist like you!!! Not everyone thinks that way!”

I know, and I agree that it probably is easier for me than most. But I wasn’t always this way. I trained myself to make my positivity and optimism stronger. So did Lyn, the climate activist I told you about above. And so can you.

How to grow your positivity:

1. Be intentional about being positive.

When you think something negative, ask yourself how you can adjust your mindset about that situation into a positive one.

2. Develop a habit of making gratitude lists.

First thing when you wake up, and/or right before you turn off the light to go to sleep, write or speak aloud 5 things you’re grateful for.

If you share a bed with someone you can do this together. It will likely be good for your relationship, too!

3. Hang out with positive people.

If you’re around folks who are complaining all of the time, that habit may rub off on you.

You can also shift your expectations for what you focus on with the people already in your life. Maybe they complain or gossip so much because that’s how they’re used to relating to you. You can literally say, “Hey, I know I complain a lot, but I’m working on being more positive. If you catch me doing it can you let me know so I can stop?” (enroll them to help you).

4. Ask a positive friend!

Everyone gets stuck in negative ways of thinking sometimes. Especially about certain things. Sometimes it can help to ask someone who isn’t in that rut “can you help me see this in a different light?”

5. Shift your balance to positivity!

When you catch yourself thinking a negative thought, challenge yourself to come up with two positive ones, to tip your balance that way.

I want to be clear that I’m not encouraging toxic positivity here. It’s ok to have hard/sad/angry feelings, too. On the beach sometimes I do get angry… “why are we still selling styrofoam in this town when it all winds up right here?” That’s good and even healthy as those emotions can inspire us to create change. Maybe one day I’ll start a petition to ban styrofoam or invest in a company researching better alternatives, or something.

On my best days, though, I’ll follow up that disgruntled thought with one or two that give me hope.Like yesterday, when the beach was so littered with trash I left and returned with one of those trash a trash-picker-upper-claw-thingy and dedicated time to it. As I gazed at a used condom embraced by the claw I thought: “Wow, some people are disgusting.” And then, “Thank goodness a fish isn’t going to choke on this. And thank God this inconsiderate-of-the-environment-person is at least using condoms!"

If this all sounds kinda nice, but also really hard, you may want to enroll someone to help you out. Helping people transform their patterns and beliefs is, well, kinda my thing. If you’re interested in learning more, book a free discovery call and let’s chat! ESPECIALLY if you believe that you’re just “not a positive person” or anything of the sort. I’d love to help you rewire that belief and experience the world in a different way!

Whether or not professional coaching is for you right now, enrolling someone to keep you accountable can really help. Chances are you know someone who would like to develop their own gratitude or positivity, and could benefit from the same. More on that later 🙂

How to Shift Your Narrative and Experience Life in a More Positive Way