Can You Quit Talking About Your “Feelings” Already?
(no, not your feelings. The thoughts that you call feelings… which you probably do constantly.)
Y’all may have heard me talk about the importance of feeling your feelings. Of accepting them and allowing them to exist. I’m not going back on that here (I believe I used to do that too much, but I’ll save that for another blog). This blog is about the thoughts that we call feelings. Which, it turns out, might make up most of what you call feelings.
We need to have this discussion because most of us were given bad advice. For me, it came in high school, during my brief stint with peer counselors. For others, it has come in workplace training or even from a couple’s therapist or coach.
The advice in question?: “Use ‘I-feel’ statements to communicate better. They help you get your point across while minimizing defensiveness in the other person.”
This advice might not be so bad on its own, but this practice becomes harmful when we overuse it. And most of us do.
For example, have you ever used the words “I feel ignored?” or “I feel misunderstood?” Me too. In fact, I have the words “feel left out” all over my website. And I’m going to leave them there because many of my clients probably think in these words, too.
The thing is, though, it is impossible to feel ignored, misunderstood, or left out. Ignored isn’t a feeling. Neither is misunderstood or left out.
When you “feel ignored” there is a good chance that you think you’re being ignored. This may make you feel sad and/or lonely. But it is impossible to feel ignored because, again, ignored isn’t a feeling.
You may be thinking “Oh, that’s just semantics. It’s no big deal”. I hear you, but I ask you to hear me out anyway. I think you’ll agree that it’s bigger than that!
Reason one why naming your thoughts as “feelings” is bad: Poorly communicating feelings is bad for relationships
Allow me to demonstrate this with an example:
Let’s consider Corey and Sam, who are in a committed relationship. Recently Corey has been busy at work, and Sam is getting tired of eating dinner alone. Sam feels lonely and is starting to question if Corey really has to work late or is just checking out of the relationship. Sam understands the importance of open communication, so decides to open up a dialogue about it:
“I love you so I want to be honest with you. I know work has been hard for you, but this month has been hard on me too. I’m starting to feel ignored. Can you please let me know you’re thinking about me in the evenings, even if you can’t be home for dinner?”
While that last request may seem reasonable, Corey never heard it. They heard “I feel ignored” as “you’ve been ignoring me” and immediately got pissed off and defensive. (Think about it. How would you interpret it if your partner told you they felt ignored?)
Corey’s thoughts immediately went to ‘how can Sam say I’m ignoring them?!!! Of course I’d rather be home for dinner. It’s not my fault my boss is a jerk.’ Not only does the request not get heard, but Corey also gets defensive and the tension escalates. Sam continues to feel lonely and the concerns about the relationship grow.
Imagine if instead, Sam said:
“I know work has been really tough lately. And when I don’t hear from you by dinner I feel lonely and worried about what it might mean for our relationship. I need reassurance to feel secure in our relationship. Can you check in with me by dinner time and let me know you’re thinking of me, even if you have to work through it?”
That feels a little different, right? Like a request that Corey might actually be able to hear? BTW, this will only be effective if Sam is truly making a request, vs. demanding that Corey comply. If Sam is going to present their request that way, they should be open to further discussion if this solution doesn’t work for Corey.
I learned this (and most of what I’ve written about above) from Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion. I don’t love the title: the word nonviolent throws many people off who don’t realize he defines ‘violent’ as ‘acting in ways that hurt or harm’. Title aside, it is one of the more impactful books I have read.
I believe that if everyone read this book and followed its methods we’d have a real chance at world peace. This method of communicating has already led to effective communication between Israelis and Palestinians, spouses on the verge of divorce, and even members of opposing gangs. But you can read more about that in the book. Please do and let me know what you think!
One more reason that communicating thoughts as feelings may have a negative impact on your relationships is that it may signal to the other person that they are being manipulated.
Recently I was in a meeting where someone said “I feel we should do X, then Y”. I rolled my eyes when I heard this; they were clearly telling the group what they wanted, but using the “I feel” language they had been taught so it wouldn’t come off as a request. I would have received it better if they simply said “I’d like us to do X, then Y. Is that acceptable to the rest of you?”
Reason two why incorrectly naming your thoughts as “feelings” is bad: it’s easier to separate yourself from bad thoughts than it is from bad feelings
I don’t have a book to reference here, but I’ve found this in my personal experience and my clients agree.
Imagine that you made plans with a friend before you knew you were going to have an emotionally exhausting week. You don’t have the capacity to enjoy their company, and your body needs to rest. You cancel, and your friend says they understand. But that night you’re telling your partner about it. “I feel like such an asshole.” Woah, that feels kind of heavy, doesn’t it? If you’re an asshole, why would anyone want to be your friend? Should you even like yourself?
In reality, you don’t feel like an asshole. You can’t. “Like an asshole” is not a feeling. You canceled on a friend at the last minute, and right now you think you were an asshole for doing so.
You realize this and correct your language: “I think I’m an asshole”.
Does that feel any different to you?
Maybe you feel amused because those words are so ridiculous. Obviously, you’re not an asshole; if you were you probably wouldn’t be reading a blog about feelings and how to be a better communicator. Your friend wouldn’t have made plans with you in the first place; why would they want to hang out with an asshole?
My clients and I agree that when we put our negative thoughts about ourselves into “I think” statements it’s easier to see them as the ridiculous thoughts they are. Often that’s all it takes to release the negative feelings associated with them. Give it a try and let me know what you think in the comments!
How do I know if it’s a thought or a feeling?
I’m not going to lie: this can be really hard. In fact, I still sometimes consult Marshall Rosenbaum’s feelings vocabulary list when I’m trying to communicate my feelings. You can find it in Chapter 4 of Nonviolent Communication, or for free here.
Marshall does provide some great tips for when you don’t have access to the list. In general, you’re not clearly expressing a feeling if you're following the word feel by
The words “that”, “like”, or “as if”:
“I feel that you should understand me better”
“I feel like an idiot”
“I feel as if you don’t care whether or not I come with you”
Pronouns like “you”, “he”, “they”, “it”, or “I”:
“I feel I am always the one who has to clean up”
“I feel we should take some time to reconnect”
“I feel it’s pointless”
Names or nouns referring to people:
“I feel Sid has been distracted lately”
“I feel my supervisor doesn’t care what it takes”
Reflection Time
I’d love for you to now pause and reflect on any critical thoughts you’ve had this week. What words are you using (either out loud or in your head) to describe them? Are you incorrectly using the words feel/feeling? How does it feel if you switch it out for more appropriate words, or if you get in touch with how you really do feel? I’d love for you to share in the comments, or by email to bara@baraco.org!
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Hi! I’m Bara. I’m a transformational life coach. I help people find more joy and contentment in their existing circumstances. (Bonus: they also develop more clarity and confidence, enabling them to change those circumstances when they’re ready.) Request a free discovery call today or learn more about my coaching style here.
