True love is unwavering. That is the kind of love you want to have for yourself. Strong and steady, even when times get tough.

I was not happy when I was told I needed to work on my self-love. The message came a couple of years ago, from a friend and spiritual teacher. I didn’t like hearing it. I had been working on myself for years and assumed I had self-love dialed in.

As the conversation continued though, I realized that my friend was correct. I didn’t love myself as much as I could. When asked to rank my self-love I put it on a 7.5/10 scale. But I deserve 10/10 love; we all do!

My friend called out the wall I had built, separating myself from others. I had been working on overcoming it for about a year (you can read about that in my early blogs) and was disappointed to learn that it was still so apparent. With his help it became clear that the wall would remain until I learned to fully, completely, love myself. Including that wall and all the other parts I preferred not to see.

When we don’t love ourselves unconditionally we tend to subconsciously protect ourselves from others. We do this to stay safe. When we’re reliant on other people’s love to feel good about ourselves, we stay scared of what will happen when they take it away. Ultimately this hurts us more than it helps because it keeps us from fully allowing that love in.

The subconscious doesn’t get that though. It tries to mitigate potential pain by taking things into its own hands. It keeps other people from getting too close so any lack of closeness feels like within its control.

Prioritizing self-love doesn’t just allow us to get closer to others, it allows them to get closer to us.

If you are constantly looking for things that are wrong – reasons to love yourself a little bit less – you will mirror that to those around you. This has subconscious effects on the people in your life:

It makes others afraid that you will look for what is wrong in them. If they cannot trust you to love yourself, how can they expect you to keep loving them when they mess up? This may lead to them putting up protection mechanisms to keep you from getting too close.
It puts a harsh burden on them to provide the love you cannot provide to yourself. That is a lot to take on and, frankly, impossible to provide. No matter how much someone loves you, you’re likely to question their motives until you develop unconditional love for yourself. Who wants to take on an impossible quest?

My mission to self-love began with shifting the way I talked to myself.

I began to verbally correct the words I used to put myself down, even when I acted in ways I’d rather not. When I became aware that I was doing something I didn’t like I wouldn’t beat myself up. Instead, I’d pause to celebrate my awareness. I’d use affirmations to connect to love every day, reminding myself that I am loving, I am loved, I matter, and I belong. And I began accepting others’ compliments and affirmations, instead of brushing them off or pushing them away.

Little Bara is afraid of being left even when her people are RIGHT THERE

As my words changed, so did the way I saw myself. Most notably, I became less afraid of the parts of myself I had hidden away. Like my inner child that was constantly afraid she’d be abandoned and left alone. It became safer for her to come out and show her face. She knew that I wouldn’t leave her; I would love her as is. To love yourself fully, you have to allow all of yourself to exist.

This inner child would interpret any infraction by a loved one as a huge offense; evidence that they were getting ready to leave. This used to lead to pointless tension and fights over simple things like avocado 🥑toast. Learning to love myself enough to see my scared inner child didn’t erase the fear of abandonment. But it did allow me to recognize it as fear instead of believing the thoughts that it would create. I might still get triggered when I found my partner eating breakfast without me, but I could know “this is my fear of abandonment again, not a sign that they are going to leave.” This enabled me to comfort myself in those moments instead of flying off the handle and risking my relationships with those around me.

I remember the day when it hit me, that I had fallen in love with myself.

I was standing in front of my mirror, brushing my teeth, and I felt so in love. That same feeling I’d felt before when getting comfortable with someone else, but this time, there was no one else around. I was in love with my life, and I was in love with me.

People are afraid that if you love yourself, too much, you won’t grow. If you’re perfect as it is, why change? I’ve found the opposite to be true (and many others agree). As your self-love expands, you’ll take care of yourself even more. You won’t be afraid to try bigger, better things, or point out little ways you can improve because you know you love yourself, even if you mess up.

Expanding my self-love also allowed me to love others in a deeper, more special way.

In the past, I always had to protect myself. To keep others at arm's length. I wanted to know they were going to stay before I allowed myself to let them in. And that certainty is impossible to achieve.

Deepening my self-love has allowed me to show up in my current relationship in a new way. I know they may not stay; relocation is a big question mark for us. But I’m able to love them anyway and enjoy the time we have together now. I can do this because I’m not afraid of what will happen if they leave. I know I’ll stay grounded in my love for myself and the divine.

My self-love isn’t perfect; I can’t imagine that it’s at 100%. But I love myself despite that. And continue to intentionally practice self-love whenever the mood strikes or my heart feels off. I see self-love practices as carving out tunnels to the heart. They allow your love out, and others’ love in.

I would like to take a final moment here to encourage you to practice loving yourself just a little bit more.

Be a little sweeter to yourself; potentially by telling yourself how much you love yourself when you start and end the day. If that isn’t accessible feel free to borrow it from someone else; treat yourself the way your dog would or a sweet child might. Or consider buying yourself flowers or taking yourself out on a date. Learning to love yourself doesn’t require big action. It just takes an accumulation of little steps.

New to my work?

Hi! I’m Bara. I’m a transformational life coach. I help people become thrilled with their lives - fast - using energy healing to accelerate my process.

I hold my clients accountable so their little steps accumulate, resulting in big change. Request a free discovery call today or learn more about my coaching style here.

I Remember the Day I Fell in Love With Myself