How to Quit Minimizing Yourself so You Can Reach Your Full Potential
Do you say any of these things? “No problem.” “It’s no big deal.” “Yeah, but it could have been better.” “Thanks, but it was overcooked.” “Yeah, but you should have heard HER tell it.” “Yeah right, they’re way too hot for me.” “The call went great, but they probably won’t book with me.” “No, they just have one of those personalities. They talk to everyone like they’re special.”
These are all words we use to minimize ourselves, often without realizing it.
We do it without thinking, and my first itch is to blame society. I don’t know where I got these messages, because I don’t think it was from my parents… but I grew up with this idea that you shouldn’t think too much of yourself. You certainly shouldn’t let others know that you did. It was bad to seem conceited. And a “big ego” was a turnoff.
Maybe somewhere in there was this idea that if I set my expectations low, I wouldn't get disappointed. If I said “yes, I am really smart!” and then got a bad grade, it would hurt more than if I called myself dumb to begin with. Or some other deep reason I wasn’t conscious of as a kid.
Right below our conscious mind, we might think that we’re minimizing ourselves for others.
That we’re doing it to play our role in society; to fit in and not seem conceited. “Sure my casserole was good, but someone else could have made it better. I could have made it better, if I used a little less salt.”
The truth is though, it’s uncomfortable when someone minimizes themselves in front of you! Haven’t you felt that before? When you tried to compliment the casserole and the host launched into an explanation of how imperfect it was? What are you supposed to say to that? It doesn’t feel good when people do it to us, and they don’t like it when we do it to them.
When we minimize ourselves in front of others, it's highly unlikely that we're actually doing it for them. And on the rare occasions when we are, we’re still doing it to ourselves. It hurts us to minimize ourselves, regardless of what our goal is.
I’m going to share my perspectives on this topic; consider it an opinion piece. Take what resonates, leave what doesn’t (or put it in a doggy bag to come back to later), and don’t quote any of it as scientific fact.
Why do we minimize ourselves?
I believe that most of the harmful mental habits we have are misguided efforts to protect ourselves, this one included. Some goals our subconscious might have include:
1. Fear of rejection and/or social anxiety, which cause us to strive to fit in
Other people talk down about themselves, so we should too, right? We don’t want people to think we’re conceited, because we’re afraid that then they might not like us as much.
Plus, if we’re extra good at something, it would mean we’re different than those who are less good. Subconsciously we don’t want to be different! We want to fit in.
2. It’s what we’ve grown up seeing
When we were young, our biological drive to fit in with the pack may have caused us to imitate the behaviors around us. Imitate something enough and you form a habit around it.
My mom (who I love, respect, and get along with wonderfully) seems to be incapable of fully receiving a compliment (and her own appreciation) when she cooks something delicious. It’s always a little too dry, a little overcooked, not quite spicy enough, or a little too spicy. When I get complimented on my cooking, often I’ll be part way through my response when I realize “wait a second, this is my mom talking! Just say thank you!”
3. We’re always striving for growth
If our presentation was perfect, how could we make it even better next time? We need to figure out what was wrong with it so we can make the next one even better! (So we think. Maybe what we really need is to embrace what a good job we did so next time we come across as more confident.)
4. If we step into our potential, maybe we’ll have to accept that we’re capable of doing great things!
If we’re capable of doing more, would it “be acceptable” to keep doing what we’re doing now? Would we need to change our habits, our lifestyle, or even our careers to start delivering the “more” that we’re capable of? That could be uncomfortable.
Do some of these seem ridiculous, or silly, to read? That’s one of my points. Our subconsciouses can be soooooo silly! It really would be ridiculous to let them run our lives!!
Why shouldn’t we minimize ourselves?
I talk about this cycle a lot because I think it’s really important: our thoughts inform our language, our language informs our thoughts, and our thoughts inform our actions. (When I say language I mean the words that come out of our mouths, which have some extra energy behind them, and also the inner dialogue that runs continuously in most of our heads.)
Because of this, when we tell ourselves or others that something isn’t that good, we start to believe that it isn’t that good. Then we tell ourselves that it really isn’t that good. This cycle goes on and on until we become certain it's true. Until we change our minds about trying out for that team or writing that book because we know that it won’t be good enough, anyway.
This minimizes our potential, which is a real bummer not just for us, but for the rest of the world. No one on this earth is just like you. It’s highly likely that there is at least one thing that you do better than anyone around you. (If you can’t think of that thing, it may be a good sign. Often when we're extremely good at something it comes so naturally that we don't think twice about it.) It’s best for you and for all the people around you when you live up to your full potential! And it’s really hard to do that when you’re constantly telling yourself that your potential is smaller than it is.
How do we stop minimizing ourselves and change the cycle?
Changing habits we’ve had for a lifetime doesn’t usually happen overnight, but here are 3 things to practice to help get you there.
1. Start truly receiving compliments
Say thank you instead of explaining why it isn’t true. And when someone thanks you, say you’re welcome instead of “no problem” or “sure”. This might be strictly verbal when you start, but when you get comfortable with it try to allow yourself to feel the gratitude of the person complimenting you. Posture can help! This may be easier when you have your shoulders back (heart open)
Side bonus: this is usually a lot better for the other person, too. For one thing, it allows them to give you the gift of a compliment. And for another, it prevents them from having to deal with the awkwardness of figuring out how to respond when you start critiquing the thing they were trying to compliment you on
2. Cut out the language you use to bring yourself down.
I’m referring to the “it isn’t that good”, “______ does it better”, “it could use more salt though”, etc., as well as the longer, deeper explanations
I’m constantly working on this one as I build my own business. “I got a new client!! My rates are still really low though” just feeds my subconscious fear that I only got a new client because my rates are still low. And the deeper fear that I’m not good enough and my services aren’t that valuable. It is much better for me to just celebrate my wins, but this has been a tough habit to rewire!
In my personal life, I see this one coming up when I’m told something nice about myself like “wow, they really like you!” If it’s a human my thoughts might go to ‘well we have a lot in common so of course they found me easy to talk to’’. If it’s a dog, ‘well they probably smell the dog I was just petting’. Let’s cut that out!! Who cares why they like you? If you’re told that someone likes you, animal or human, I invite you to celebrate that!
I did this the other day when I showed up to walk a dog I’d walked before (I’m walking for WAG as a side gig) and he squealed with delight and excitement. I felt amazing, when the thought popped up that he just cared about a walk. I invited that thought to leave and kept the one saying ‘awww, he’s so happy to see me' and that joy carried over into the rest of my day. I'm even feeling good writing about it now, so thank you for giving me the space to do that!
3. When you share a success with a friend, share as if they’re your greatest cheerleader.
Pretend that that friend knows with 100% certainty that you are not conceited. Or, if it’s easier, share it with a stranger. If you’ll never see them again, who cares what they think? (I love, by the way, when I ask someone how they are in a shop or something and I get a response like ‘I’m awesome! I just got a promotion!)
You’ll probably start to discover that the people you tell do genuinely want to celebrate your successes. As that happens, it should get more comfortable. Eventually, it may even become natural! Seriously, just try it, and see what happens. Or if that’s too big of a step, notice when your friends correct you when you do bring yourself down in front of them. When that happens, try not to argue!
I would be thrilled to be this friend or stranger for you! Send me an email (baraofbaraco@gmail.com) or DM me on Instagram. I’d love to celebrate with you!
Consider the above a starter pack to build a foundation that enables you to live your full potential.
Having this information is a great first step, but for it to change your life you have to practice it consistently. Most of us have been minimizing ourselves our whole lives. Getting rid of those habits and replacing them with these healthy ones will require practice and, for many people, accountability.
That accountability is something that I love to provide as a coach. Not only do I help my clients hear the words they use to minimize themselves, I help them come up with comfortable ways to reframe them. I hold them gently accountable to shifting from ways of thinking that knock them down to ones that build them up. Learn more about how I coach people or go ahead and book your free discovery call today.
This goes for me, too.
Even though I’ve spent years on this stuff, I personally still need that accountability. I get it from my therapist, mentors, and conscious friends that are willing to gift it. Between writing this and posting it I had a friend point out that I was constantly bringing myself down (both in daily conversation and my marketing copy). I’m grateful for that conversation for several reasons, including that when I went to edit this article it drew my attention to the minimizations I had sprinkled throughout! I hope I've fixed that, but if not consider it a demonstration of how deep these patterns are.
When you do catch yourself minimizing yourself, please don’t beat yourself up. Take note, shift, and be grateful for the opportunity to do even better.
