How to Develop a Mindfulness Practice (aka a Meditation Routine)
“If every 8-year-old in the world is taught meditation, we will eliminate violence from the world within one generation.”
Research-proven benefits of mindfulness practice are reduced rumination, stress reduction, improved working memory, better focus, less emotional reactivity, and improved relationship satisfaction (Source: American Psychological Association). I believe that it is one of the best things we can do for ourselves, because it’s one of the easiest ways to develop conscious awareness. You can learn more about what I mean by that in my blog on connecting with the self.
I’m not going to spend a lot of time on the benefits in this blog. If you’re reading it, I’m assuming that you’re already interested. I'm simply going to discuss how to build your practice or meditation routine after sharing some background on my own experience.
How did I get into mindfulness?
I learned about mindfulness toward the end of 2017. I was an engineer at a big corporation, and a coworker asked if I had the connections to bring his brother-in-law, a mindfulness teacher, in as a guest speaker. He would teach us about mindfulness, “you know, like meditation and stuff”. I didn’t know- at this point all I knew about meditation was that it was one of the many "dumb" things my ex was into. I didn't understand why anyone would waste time sitting in silence when they could be doing something productive or fun. I told my colleague that I’d bring it up to the Women’s Network Leadership Team I was part of, assuming they’d shoot it down. My plan backfired; not only did they love the idea, they also wanted me to plan it.
Before long I received a slide deck from Brandon Mehrgut, founder of Shanghai Mindfulness (and now Modern Mindfulness). As I leafed through I was amazed at what I was reading. There was actual science behind this stuff- and it helped people focus! It helped with a bunch of other stuff too, but the focus was what really struck me. I have ADHD, and although I hated the meds for it, I had been starting to wonder if I needed to get back on them. Maybe mindfulness would help instead, and maybe my ex wasn’t such an idiot after all. (JK, I was still convinced that they were the worst. This was well before my journey with compassion started, and is what opened up the door to it, but that’s a story for another time.)
I wound having to work offshore during the event, but Brandon offered to meet me at a coffee shop and give me my own personal lesson. I left that meeting super excited about the possibilities and with a commitment to practice for three months straight. Those three months weren’t easy, but the benefits were astounding. My ability to focus noticeably improved. Background noise didn’t bother me as much, and I didn’t have to ask people to repeat themselves as often. I noticed another unexpected side effect too: my road rage went down!
Steps to establish your own mindfulness practice (or daily meditation routine):
1. Understand what mindfulness really is
Part of the reason I struggled so much during my first three months (maybe even my first year or two) was that I didn’t truly understand what my goal was. I thought it was to make my mind go blank, which I found impossible (likely because I’m human). Even when I did get my mind to quiet down during meditation I’d discover that I was thinking about how I quieted it down! It was an incredibly frustrating process that I could have avoided by understanding what mindfulness truly is.
Jon Kabat-Zinn, the scientist who developed the mindfulness-based stress reduction (MBSR) technique, defines mindfulness as “awareness that arises through paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, non-judgementally”. Note that he doesn’t say anything about having a quiet mind. The goal is just to be aware of what’s going on, within the mind and beyond it.
Modern society isn’t super conducive to being mindful. Most of us carry devices with us that are pretty much designed to take our attention away from what’s around us (aka the present moment). And most of us have been trained to judge our feelings, so we’ve developed patterns to avoid them because that’s easier than looking down on ourselves. Oftentimes we’ll use those devices I was just mentioning to help us escape from them. Basically, we have spent a lot of our lives training ourselves to be unmindful.
Fortunately, we can train ourselves out of our bad habits and into a much more mindful state! And that takes practice.
2. Decide why you want to practice
Knowing WHY we’re going for something always helps. Why are you interested in becoming more mindful? Do you want to be able to focus better at work or at school? Do you want to release your road rage? Spend less time lost in anxious thoughts? Be more present with your family? Get along better with others?
To take this to the next level, once you answer this question ask yourself how you’d feel if you got that thing. For me, back when I started, if I could focus better at work I’d feel much more free. I wasted so much time juggling different thoughts and being frustrated that I couldn’t focus. And I was trapped by a crippling fear that I wouldn’t be able to focus well enough to learn what I needed to know for my next job- so much so that I was considering telling them I couldn’t take the job I’d asked for (a known career killer, in my industry). If I could just focus, I’d be free of all that, and that was definitely worth pursuing.
3. Notice where in your life you are already mindful
I talk about the reasons behind this a lot in my other blogs. One of my top recommendations for almost anything that we want to experience is to look for where we’re already doing it and allow ourselves to feel into that. All of us have moments in our lives when we are aware in the present moment. Maybe it’s when we’re watching the sunset, playing with a puppy, or holding a baby. Maybe it’s when we’re cooking or rubbing lotion into our skin. Pause and think about this for a moment, but if you can’t find the answer right now, that’s ok. Make a silent commitment to yourself to start to notice, and next time you do, congratulate yourself. “Wow, I’m playing with a puppy and I’m not thinking about work! Go, me! I can do this!” (Then release that, and go back to just playing with the puppy.)
4. Commit to a gentle practice you’ll be able to stick with for 3 months or more
Brandon made it really clear to me that it would probably take 2-3 months before I started seeing results, but that that didn’t mean it wasn’t working.
He also warned me that if I made it difficult, I’d burn out. He asked how long I thought I could sit and meditate and I told him 5 minutes, so he told me to start with 2. Who can’t sit down for two minutes a day? (I acknowledge that I might feel differently if I had a kid or a live-in partner, but I think most of us can find 2 minutes a day. If necessary, those two minutes can be on the toilet or before we open our eyes, while the person beside us thinks we’re sleeping. I do find however that it’s a lot easier to practice sitting up.)
We agreed that once I got comfortable with two minutes, I would increase to five minutes at a time, and from there I’d eventually go to 10. If I missed a day, I’d forgive myself, and the next day I’d drop down a level (so if I had been meditating for 5 minutes every day but I skipped Tuesday, on Wednesday I would just meditate for 2 minutes). This method worked great for me and I highly recommend it.
Another component of keeping this gentle is doing this in a place with minimal distractions. I love meditating on the beach now, but I’m glad that I started in my bedroom (for you this might be a bathroom, car, or closet depending on who you share space with). It’s easiest to bring your attention back to one thing when you’re first starting out, and for me, this was my breath. If I was constantly hearing seagulls squawking or dodging rogue volleyballs it would be a lot more difficult to focus on my breath and I’d be more likely to get frustrated.
5. Decide on an anchor point
The breath is a great place to start because we all have it with us all of the time. Other potential anchor points are body sensations or sound, but those are harder to write about so I’m not going to. If we work together one-on-one I can help you find an anchor point that works for you. You could also explore different anchor points by taking a class or working with a mindfulness teacher like Brandon.
6. Decide when you’re going to practice, how you’re going to time yourself, and do it!
As with most habits, picking a consistent time of day helps. If you can, I highly recommend doing it first thing in the morning for a couple reasons: it’s easier to focus before your mind has gone in a billion different directions, and establishing that sense of presence in the morning will help you focus throughout the day. I also recommend doing it before you engage with your phone, which can be tough if you’re using your phone to meditate with. I’m a big fan of the kitchen timer for that reason!
7. Track yourself! (if you’re a person that tracking works for)
I used to use the timer function on the Insight Timer app. I loved it because it tracked my consecutive days and it felt amazing to see those numbers climbing. Once I got over 100 consecutive days there was no way I was letting that thing get to zero! Even though one time that meant leaving my friend alone at the bar while I dipped out to get a few minutes of meditation in. That said, if you’re someone who gets overly obsessed with metrics like I may have, tracking might not be the best idea for you.
I want to remind you here that if you do miss a day, it isn’t the end of the world! Just because you miss one doesn’t mean you have to miss two. And remember, you can shorten your timer that second day!
Now you have a foundation for developing the routine. But what does a practice session actually look like?
A simple meditation technique, focused on the breath
Sit comfortably (or stand, or lay, but i think laying down should be a last resort)
Start your timer
Settle into the space, feeling the support of what’s beneath you
Bring your attention to your breath. Note how it feels when it goes in. Note that pause between the inhale and exhale, and how your stomach and chest deflate when it leaves. Note the next pause, and do it all again.
Bring your attention back to the breath. You’ve probably gotten distracted by now, and that’s ok. Congratulate yourself for noticing
Repeat 5, over and over until your bell goes off. If this is the first time you remember to watch your breath, that’s ok. You remembered!! And that’s what matters
Take one last conscious breath and check the box that you practiced today
Before leaving you to go about your day, I want to reiterate one more time that mindfulness is NOT about emptying your mind. We are human beings. We have lots of thoughts because that’s how we’re designed. Sometimes these thoughts all come in at the same time, and that’s ok. We’re not “doing mindfulness wrong” if we get distracted during our practice. In fact, getting distracted can benefit us, because each time we notice that our attention has wandered and we bring it back we strengthen that neural pathway and make it easier to do it again in the future. In Brandon’s words, “it’s like a bicep curl for your brain”.
Now, get to curlin’!
