Mindset Hack to Improve Your Life: Assume Positive Intent

When I was in college I had a friend who was much more free spirited than me. They weren’t very studious from what I could tell; they seemed to have this trust that everything would just work out. Meanwhile, I spent every weekday in the library or computer lab. And many of my weekends there, too. One of my motivations for going to CU Boulder was my desire to spend my weekends on the slopes, but once I was there it seemed more important to strive for straight A’s. Meanwhile, this person seemed to just float on with the breeze, not caring about what was “really important in life” like good grades. (Mind you, I never had any idea what their grades were.)

That friend triggered the fuck out of me.

I didn’t have the word trigger back then, but we were constantly butting heads. I came up with reasons that I didn’t want to spend time with them. They were good reasons, so I thought.

Recently I spent some time with this person again. We didn’t stay in touch, but we have mutual friends who all got together. It became clear to me within minutes that this person was cool AF… and that they always were. That my “reasons” for avoiding them were bullshit. The truth is, they were living life the way I was meant to all along. Back then though that didn’t seem safe enough to see. It was out of alignment with everything I’d been taught about the world (and in alignment with the way I was truly meant to be.)

I share this story not to call myself out as a former douche, but to demonstrate that sometimes we don’t even know our own intent. If I couldn’t even understand why I was behaving the way I did, how can I expect myself to understand the motivations behind other people’s behavior? We have no way of knowing what their intent is; they may not even know!

The impact of others’ actions (and life itself) is generally better when we assume positive intent.

I know, this might seem to conflict with what I said above. If we can’t understand others’ intent, why should we bother assuming anything about it? As much as I love to focus on the positive, I think this is easier to understand when we look at it from the reverse. 

If you feel that those around you want bad things for you, you’re more likely to get them. For example, if you constantly think your coworker is out to screw you over, you’ll likely be standoffish to them. In turn, they’ll be less likely to help you out. The opposite is also true. If your colleague sarcastically wishes you “good luck” but you take it literally, that perceived support may carry you through a difficult day.

This doesn’t mean you let your coworker run all over you. 

It’s important to have good boundaries regardless of others’ intent. If their actions keep resulting in extra work for you, you ought to do something about that. That’s true whether or not they mean to cause you harm. But you’re likely to feel better throughout that process if you assume they didn’t mean to stick you with that extra work. And your conversation with them (or your boss, if it escalates) is bound to go better if you approach it from a supportive perspective (vs. an angry defensive one).

Another motivation to assume positive intent is that, if you’re like most people, it bother you if someone wants bad things for you. If your thoughts are being occupied by that negativity, it’s taking them away from love and light. You may miss out on experiencing something really cool because you’re busy thinking about the asshole who meant you harm. Whether or not they did mean to cause you harm. So why not assume they didn’t, and move on? (Potentially to another location, far away from them.)

I saw a great demonstration of this in real life recently. 

A Facebook group message came in: my friend (let’s call them Cameron)’s phone was stolen, and they were PISSED. I acknowledged how frustrating that must be, and asked if they were sure it was stolen or if it was possible it was just lost.

Cameron replied that they knew it was stolen. Their finder app showed that it had been turned off at the bar where they lost it, then turned on again two miles from that bar, and then turned back off. 

I’ll agree, that’s suspect for sure. But I knew that assuming something was stolen has never gotten it back to me. And staying angry wasn’t helping Cam.

“Are you sure they didn’t find it and are looking for the owner?” I replied on the group chat. “If I found a phone at a bar I’d probably keep it. I trust myself more to get it back to the owner than I do the bar. I think you can send it a note with an alternate number to call.”

This got our friend Mike, also on the group chat, fired up. He set out to collect the phone from the well-intentioned individual holding on to it. And did, within a couple hours.

Cameron had been radio silent for a while, and we found out why when they messaged us from their new phone. They could hardly believe that their phone had been recovered. And wished they hadn’t spent the last hour at the T-Mobile store ordering a new one.

Cameron had been stuck in a negative intent mindset, which they’d assumed right off the bat.

That cost them the ability to see the light and hope that could have allowed them to find their phone. Ultimately it also cost them an hour of their time… not to mention unnecessary rage. (Not to beat Cam up. Many people would jump into a negative mindset if $500 worth of their property went missing!)

Assuming positive intent was easier for Mike and me to do. It’s always going to be easier when you’re not personally involved in the situation (so I recommend checking in with a trusted neutral third party when you believe you’re the subject of another’s malinent) . But even when it is my possession that’s lost (I have more experience with this than I like) I’m generally able to stay positive and hopeful.

That wasn’t always the case for me. But like any habit, positivity is a tendency you can build over time. It takes practice and repetition, but it’s worth it.  After all, it may help you find a future lost phone.

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Hi! I’m Bara. I’m a transformational life coach and speaker… and a former engineer. 

I transformed my life and mindset, and now I help others do the same. If you’re ready to take your life, relationships, or career to the next level, you can learn more about my coaching style here. Or click here to request a free discovery session. Let’s get to know each other and learn if and how I can support you.