Much of what I learned about the right way to say no (to enforce my boundaries) came from a Google search I conducted in 2013: “How to break up over the phone?”

I knowwwww, that doesn’t sound very cool. But I was out of state for an internship and we wouldn’t see each other for another 2 months. It seemed kinder to both of us to end it when I knew it was over. I learned that after making a different decision as an undergrad.

The wonderful person that I’d spent the last year with deserved the very best. So I turned to the most reliable source of information: Google.

I remember 3 key takeaways from that search:

Keep the conversation short; only tell them what they need to know.
Be firm. Don’t create any opportunity for them to believe they can change your mind.
Don’t try to comfort them. You’re not the right person to do that.

It turns out that I didn’t need to worry about #3.

I dialed them up and cut right to the chase. I told them that I cared about them and was grateful for the year we’d spent together… but that I’d realized the relationship wasn’t right for me anymore and I was ending it. They told me that they agreed and appreciated me for having the courage to tell them.

Over sniffles, we lamented about the fact that we couldn’t embrace one last time. We told each other we loved and wished the best for each other, and hung up. (Google probably wouldn’t recommend that part, but it seemed safe since we were on the same page.) In less than 10 minutes it was over. We were both free to do our own grieving and eventually move on.

One thing I was reminded of during that call (and have had to be reminded of again, many times since) is that when you set boundaries, the other person involved often wants the same thing. It’s not uncommon, when you don’t want to do something, that the person you were supposed to do it with doesn’t want to either. Not everyone is great at setting boundaries though. Sometimes the other person involved is reliant on you taking the action that will benefit you both in the end.

The points above often aren’t easy, and they don’t apply to every situation. Let’s talk a little more about each. Note: I’m sharing these in the context of ending/modifying relationships (including friendships) and saying no to activities or events.

Be Brief: Only tell them what they need to know

Of all of the tips mentioned above, I believe this one is the most universal. It can also be one of the hardest. As kind and caring human beings, we have a tendency to want to protect other people’s feelings. We often think it will be easier if we give them a good reason they can understand.

Oftentimes though, they won’t agree with your reasoning. Especially since you probably won’t give them the whole truth, in an effort to protect their feelings. And that’s ok: they don’t need the whole truth, and you don’t need a good reason to say no. If you don’t want to do something or be with someone, that’s all that matters. Skipping the reasoning altogether can help you both avoid an awkward conversation.

This also tends to feel better for the recipient. If a friend needs to cancel plans, I don’t want them to explain why whatever they’re doing instead is more important to them than spending time with me (which is how I may interpret their excuse if I’m having a bad day). I just want to know that our plans are canceled, so I can make new ones.

Be Firm: Don’t give them an opportunity to think they can change your mind

This one only applies if your boundaries are firm. Sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes you may prefer to cancel plans, but be open to keeping them if they’re more important to a friend. That conversation might sound like “hey, I’m pretty tired and I don’t feel like going out anymore. If you need my company though, I can rally.” Only offer this if you’re actually prepared to rally. (P.S.: pouting in the corner all night making them wish they left you at home does NOT count as rallying.)

If your boundaries are firm though, it’s not kind to you or the other person to let them think they can change your mind. If you’re going to break up with them regardless of how they negotiate, don’t dangle hope in front of them just to yank it away.

This means that if you’re canceling your plans no matter what, don’t tell them “I think I need to stay home”. They might see that as an invitation to encourage you to do otherwise, and that’s a waste of energy for them. “I’m so sorry to do this last minute but I’m not going to make it tonight” is a better way to go.

Don’t Try to Comfort Them. You’re Not the Right Person to do That

In the case of a breakup, this point is probably quite obvious. If you’re telling someone to pack their bags and get out of your life, they probably don’t want to hear how great you are, or how you wish things could be different. My thought process here would be, “if you want things to be different, why aren’t they?” Instead, let them get out of your house so they can find a shoulder to cry on that won’t be yanked away from them minutes later. (Unless it’s overtly obvious you and the other person are on the same page, such as in the example I gave above.)

If you’re canceling plans on someone, it’s similar. If I was really, really looking forward to having you accompany me to an event, I don’t necessarily want to listen to you explain how I’ll have a better time without you. I may want you to leave so I can let my emotions out for a moment before gaining clarity on how I’ll proceed. Feel this one out though. Sometimes a pep talk may be in order. If you do feel inclined to give them advice I recommend getting consent first, as always.

What you really, really don’t want to do here is make them feel like they have to comfort you. This means that the words “I feel horrible” shouldn’t come out of your mouth. You’re the one wrecking their plans. Your focus should be on them. (I’m not saying that if you’re going through a tough time you shouldn’t share that and reach out to your friend for support. I am saying that you don’t need to tack “supporting you through the pain of canceling on them” onto the list of your support requests.)

Hopefully, the above will help you amend your relationships and plans. But I bet some of you might be wondering:

This Still Sounds Hard… Can I Avoid it Altogether?

Ideally, in many cases, you will.

It’s a lot easier to set boundaries up front than it is as you go. Therefore it’s always a good idea to check in with yourself about what you do and don’t want to do, and how you want to exist in relationships, as you’re establishing them. I recommend communicating your desired boundaries as soon as you know what they are. Sometimes they change though, and that’s ok.

In addition to being easier to set boundaries up front, it also sucks to be constantly canceled on. If someone cancels on me multiple times, I’ll likely stop making plans with them. Or at least stop putting them between me and other things I’d like to do. This is why I’m a huge fan of words like “might,” “maybe,” and “probably not”. Be honest with yourself and if you’re unsure about potential plans, communicate that up front. That will be better for you and your relationships, and easier on you.

TLDR:

Good boundaries are essential if you want to live your best life. If you are clear about them at the beginning of a relationship it will be easier to stick to them. Sometimes though, boundaries, relationships, and plans will change. To effectively and efficiently communicate those changes, consider the following three tips: keep the conversation short, be firm, and don’t try to comfort them.

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Hi! I’m Bara. I’m a transformational life coach and speaker… and a former engineer.

I help people change their lives for the better. If you’re ready to take your life, relationships, or career to the next level, you can learn more about my coaching style here. Or click here to request a free discovery session so we can get to know each other and learn if and how I can support you.

How to Set Clear and Healthy Boundaries: 3 Tricks