Set Better Boundaries and Gain Confidence, Self Esteem, and Physical Benefits by Learning to Connect With Yourself
5 ways disconnection hurts us, 5 ways connecting with ourselves helps, and 5 tips on how to do that
I define connection with the self as being consciously aware of what we have going on inside. Inside as in, within the mind and the body. With what’s ACTUALLY present, in this moment, vs. the stories in our heads about what may happen later or what happened in the past. I believe that it is one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves. It minimizes all sorts of unpleasant things, like anxiety and fear of rejection, and maximizes some wonderful stuff like confidence and self esteem.
Staying “connected to the self” might sound really easy because our minds and bodies are always with us. You might even be thinking that they ARE us. Who would we be without our minds? We truly need them to function and survive.
The problem isn’t that our minds are active, it’s that they tend to try to run the show. And that they make up stories that aren’t true. Often very limiting ones. Then they try to run our lives based on those stories.
They’re also working from a very limited set of data. All they have to go by is what they remember from our time on earth. From our personal experience and from what we’ve read and watched. And a lot of that stuff isn’t even true! (I’m talking about both what we read and the way we remember things. )
The real problem with the stories isn’t that they happen, it’s that we often don’t notice them or see them as stories. Which means we can waste a lot of unnecessary time and anxiety on them. Here’s how this might look for Sally when a friend tells her that a company she’d love to work for might be hiring: “Wow, OMG, the job of my dreams!!! That would be amazing. But they probably won’t want to hire me. What if they did? Would I have to move to LA to work at headquarters? What if I can’t make friends in LA? What if my partner doesn’t want to go to LA?! LA is no place to raise kids! Ok, maybe they won’t make me move to LA. But how will I tell my current boss?!! They’ve been so nice and they’re so overloaded. How can I let them down? I guess they’d be fine but again, I probably won’t get the job anyway. And I’d have to miss work to interview. Maybe I shouldn’t even try.” Can you relate even a little?
Not only would Sally miss out on that conversation with her friend, she'd also likely pass through multiple waves of anxiety. Her shoulders and jaw might tense up, possibly leading to a headache later. All that before finding out if the company really is hiring!!
If Sally was extremely connected with herself, extremely consciously aware, she might notice the story as soon as it started. She might say “slow down there, Sal, let’s wait until we find out if the job actually exists before going down this road” and continue to enjoy her friend’s company. Or maybe the story would hijack her mind for a little, but then she’d notice the tension in her body and have the opportunity to ask herself what it was about. “Oh, I’ve launched into a stress response over something that isn’t even real yet. Why don’t I focus on what is real right now and follow up with the company later.”
Life can be hard, and sometimes it’s easier to tune out than to be with what’s present. I’m not suggesting that everyone should strive to be fully present 100% of the time (or that they shouldn’t). Sometimes I do choose to zone out, like if I’ve had a rough week of deep healing and need a break. Most of the time that I disconnect though, it isn’t by choice. I’ll come to in the middle of a doomscroll, wondering where the last half hour went. Or miss my turn because I forgot where I was going (on the rare occasion I drive without Google Maps!)
Disconnecting from ourselves can cost us a lot more than lost time. 5 of my least favorite impacts are:
1. It keeps us from fully, deeply connecting with others
because they don’t get to see our full authentic self. Would you want to get close to someone who’s hiding something from you? They won’t want to either, even if the hiding is unintentional.
2. It keeps us from showing up, especially in uncomfortable situations.
3. It decreases the likelihood that we’ll take risks and try new things.
When we’re truly connected with ourselves and our feelings we can tell, for example, that the butterflies in our stomach when we think about going to an event are because we are going to be around new people and that’s exciting and often a little scary. When we’re not, we might get confused and think that it’s because we don’t want to go to the event, or because we don’t care about it. People miss out on a lot of great stuff from this one.
4. We take on other people’s problems and opinions as if they are our own.
Even their opinions about who WE are. We become afraid to risk finding out that someone doesn’t like us, because that means we’re unlikeable. So we don’t even try, and we never get the opportunity to have that relationship. When we are connected, we’re much more likely to see the fear of rejection popping up, which enables us to choose to not give in to it.
This is also why when we work with someone who’s constantly complaining about our company we start to feel grumpy about it, too. If we were truly consciously aware, we would notice the impact that their words were having on us, and change the subject or spend our lunchtime with someone else.
5. We keep doing stuff that we don’t enjoy or aren’t benefiting from anymore
Often we don’t realize it until it’s too late and we’re already miserable. It’s really hard to look for a new job when you’re burnt out on your current job. And it’s hard to make new friends when you’re walking around like a total grumpster because you can’t stand the people you’ve been hanging out with. When we’re disconnected, we don’t notice things that are slightly bothering us, so we stay with them until we can’t stand them anymore
So, what can we get by learning to connect with ourselves - aka becoming more consciously aware? \
5 Benefits of reconnecting with ourselves:
1. Confidence and self esteem are likely to go up, and fear of rejection go down
Oftentimes it’s the stories in our heads that impede our confidence. When we become aware of them, we can tell them to stop, or at least not go all in on the destructive fantasy. We’re more likely to just mount the stage and give the speech, and less likely to spend the entire night before ruminating over what could go wrong.
The same goes for self esteem, or how we value and perceive ourselves. You may have heard of negativity bias. One of its impacts is that that we’re more likely to dwell on negative events. When we’re not connected with ourselves that’s especially true. We’re more likely to forget about all of the wonderful things that make us us, and more likely to let the stories about the bad things we’ve done take over.
When we increase our confidence and self esteem we are less likely to be impacted by fear of rejection! Why not ask that person out if we know that we’re good company and that we are worthy, whether or not they say yes?
2. Our boundaries improve and we begin to notice the things that we’re not aligned with quickly, giving ourselves a great opportunity to do something about them
This could present itself as setting boundaries on your work hours before your boss starts to expect you to always be available. Working with your boss to change roles before you’re completely sick of your company. Realizing that you are getting bored in your relationship, and taking steps to spice things up before you get bored of the person you're in a relationship with. Or realizing that you need to sing something besides “Fast Car” before you quit your singing lessons in a rage and vow to never sing again. Just me? Ok, but I hope you get the point. When we let things go too far, we often ruin them for ourselves forever. Conscious awareness helps prevent that.
3. Our posture is likely to improve and we’re less likely to injure ourselves
When we’re connected with our body we start to notice when our shoulders are up at our chin before they stay there for too long. And to notice when we’re hunched over at our desk typing (whoops). This can also lead to us connecting that we’re stressed or tired, and signal us to take a break. AND skip the guilt that used to come with taking those breaks, because connecting with our inner worth also helps us put aside society’s model of burnout culture
If you’re like me and have a tendency to push yourself to the limits when you’re working out, or try to prove to yourself that you ARE CAPABLE of carrying that object that’s a little too awkward for someone your size, that inner connection can help you know and feel when it’s time to stop. Since I’ve started feeling more connected with my body I haven’t gotten shin splints. They had plagued me since high school, but now I feel when they're about to come on and trust my body enough that I stop running. I connect with my physical body and what I need vs the story I grew up with that stopping at mile 2.9 means that I’m a quitter.
I’ve suffered the impact of not listening to my body, too. 2021 was a huge year of self-growth for me, including in my connection with my body. It was trying to tell me that my physical therapist was pushing me too hard, but I didn’t trust it enough yet. My mind said that he was a professional and should know what he was doing, so I chose to disconnect from those sensations and follow his direction. That led to me injuring a whole new part of my knee and taking a big step backward (with my recovery at least; it was actually a step forward in establishing that trust)!
4. Sex gets better!
When you’re more connected with your body you’re more aware of what feels good and what doesn’t.
When you're more connected with yourself, it enables you to communicate with your partner better. Have you ever been afraid to tell your partner what you want because you have a story in your head about how they'll react? But when you think about it logically, don’t most people have a goal of achieving pleasure for their partner? Conscious awareness helps put an end to the made-up stories. (I acknowledge that sometimes the stories are true, and in those cases connecting with ourselves would likely help us realize we should find a different partner!)
Sex is also a lot more fun when you’re not thinking about the laundry you’ll have to do later!
5. It can also help you get started with a new workout routine or bring those first few bits of movement into your life.
When you’re connected with yourself you're more likely to hear your body say “moving will feel good” over the repetitive mental track that says “you’re not capable of this, you’re going to quit like you always have”. And when you do start, you’re more likely to allow yourself to do so gently and go at the pace that your body needs. This will allow you to stick with it better than if you tried to keep up with the professional leading your gym class who has been working out their whole life!
Connecting with yourself requires establishing presence. It’s hard to be connected to yourself in this moment when your head is off in the clouds. My head used to spend a LOT of time in the clouds, and it still spends quite a bit there because - hate to break it to ya - I’m human! And human beings have minds that wander—that’s totally normal.
This presence is often referred to as mindfulness, and I like to call it conscious awareness. The goal is not to have a mind that never wanders (for some people it might be, but they’re likely spending hours a day practicing) but to have a mind that frequently comes back to what's present and what's real. I would love for my mind to only wander off when I let it, like when I decide that I want to daydream up a happy future. But I’m also happy with the mind that I have cultivated. One that takes joy rides and the occasional doom spiral which I usually become aware of pretty quickly. That allows me to bring my mind back so I do get to be here right now. With my body, right here, right now.
“Ok, so how do I connect with myself?”
5 ways to increase your connection with yourself (aka build conscious awareness, aka become more mindful):
1. Find the times at which you are truly connected to yourself, and soak those in
Ugh, I know, you’ve heard this tip from me before (if you haven’t, you can get more background on why it matters here). I keep including it because I believe in it that much. Start with where you are doing the thing you want to be doing, give yourself credit, and ask for more. Did you just watch the sunset without thinking about work? Use the toilet without checking your phone? Take 1 minute before your meeting to focus on your breathing? I want you to say “go me! Thank you, mind, let’s do this again!” You don’t have to say it out loud, but at least let the voice in your head do some celebrating!
2. Develop a mindfulness practice. In other words, start meditating
Meditation practices that focus on the breath and/or body (often known as body scans) are great for developing conscious awareness since the breath is always with you. There are lots of great free resources with guided meditations; one of my favorite apps is Insight Timer. Mindfulness is a habit that builds over time, so ideally you’d make this a habit and practice it every day. If this sounds horrendous to you I can totally relate. I used to think the same thing, but one of the best things I have ever done for myself is committing two minutes a day to a meditation routine (which has grown since). I have an entire blog dedicated to how to develop a mindfulness practice, check it out here!
3. Wait to pick up your phone until after your morning ________
Coffee, workout, breakfast…. take your pick. I know that this is really hard. That’s because our phones are literally addictive. They’re also one of the biggest challenges to being consciously aware because they’re constantly drawing our attention away from what’s actually present, into a fantasy world where everyone’s living their best life.
If you truly need to check your phone first thing in the morning, I highly recommend staying away from social media and text messages from anyone you don't really need to be available for. Your phone likely has settings or apps that you can use to make this easier. Social media, for me, is a lot like tortilla chips at a Mexican restaurant. I want the chips as soon as I get there, just like I’m usually tempted to check social media as soon as I pick up my phone (after meditation and some energetic hygiene). It’s not that big of a deal though until I take one chip, or “just check my Instagram real quick”. Suddenly I’ve eaten the whole basket and they’re bringing me more, or I’m checking social every time I feel the slightest bit of writer's block or a page takes too long to load. I don’t get to fully enjoy the best part of the meal, or I miss out on the little moments in my day. If I took a stretch break I might notice the cute little bird on my balcony, but if I choose to "quickly" check Facebook instead... whoops, it's been 20 minutes and my neck hurts. I am by no means the master of not getting sucked into social media, but my days are significantly better since I made it a habit to establish a sense of presence before I do!
4. Develop an alternative mindfulness practice
If you are convinced that meditation isn’t for you, don’t want to try it for any other reason, or just want to add on more practice time, pick another daily activity during which you’ll practice being mindful. For example, you could choose to focus on the sensation of the toothbrush in your mouth when you brush your teeth. Or choose to start having lunch outdoors, listening to the sounds of the birds as you do. One of my favorite parts of coaching is helping my clients develop craft these mindful moments, so definitely reach out if you would like support in developing a practice that feels good to you
5. Take advantage of your bathroom breaks
How many times do you go to the bathroom each day? Imagine if you took that many mini-meditation breaks a day. Times three: you get a walking meditation on the way there and on the way back, and a sitting or standing meditation while you’re in there. On your way to and from the bathroom, tune in to the way your feet feel with each step. Check in with the body- do you have any tight spots you’d benefit from stretching out? While you’re going, enjoy the process! Consider inviting your body to release any energy or stress you no longer need, along with whatever else it’s releasing.
This only works if you aren’t glued to your phone, which can be a hard thing to get used to. You might hear a story playing that this is a perfect time to check your social media because you’ll only be in there for one minute. Is that really true though, or do you often wind up spending extra time scrolling…potentially in an uncomfortable position?
As with everything I offer, feel free to leave anything behind that doesn’t resonate, and adapt whatever does until it’s just right for you. If you want support doing that, transformational life coaching may be a great resource. Book a discovery call and let’s find out!
