Create Real-Life Connection & Relationships With These Tips

If you’ve read my blog on how to enjoy life more by increasing your sense of connection, you know that I believe there are two main pillars to a connected life: connection with self and connection with others. This blog focuses on the latter.

I think most people would agree that when we deeply and authentically connect with another person it’s an incredible experience. It’s why it’s hard to find a story that doesn’t have an element of love. Why changing jobs or moving cities is so scary (what if I don’t make friends?!) And why finding a romantic partner is such an important mission for so many.

It also can be really difficult, even scary. In many ways life these days doesn’t encourage it. We’re expected to constantly be responding to devices we hardly ever put down, and lots of us work in near isolation. Social anxiety is rampant, with the National Institute of Mental Health estimating that 12.1% of adults experience social anxiety disorder at some point in their lives. And that’s not counting those who just feel awkward or uncomfortable around new people, which seems to be most people I know. Fear of rejection is very real, as is a sense of obligation to those who we’ve known for a long time. That can make it hard to find space for those we’d truly enjoy spending time with.

Fortunately, as with any skill, we can get better at connecting with others! It tends to get easier the more we practice. This means that with some work and perseverance through initial discomfort, most of us will be able to create relationships that feel good, overcome social anxiety, and enjoy everyday interactions more. The tips I share below have helped others, including myself, and I’d love for you to try them on too!

It is easier to connect with others when you feel connected to yourself. When we are consciously aware of our own thoughts and feelings we are likely to have greater confidence and higher self esteem. I have an entire blog on that topic, and that’s probably a good place to start (especially if you struggle with a fear of rejection, social anxiety, or low self esteem). You absolutely can start here though, with focusing on your connection with other people. For me it’s been a bit of an iterative process: focusing on myself, then with others, back to myself, and so on. Any form of authentic connection helps other forms grow.

In my previous blogs we’ve talked about the importance of looking for and creating feelings of connection, and how that will naturally bring more connection to you. Here I’ll go deeper into that, with a focus on other people, before providing practical tips on how to actually establish new relationships. Feel free to skip ahead if you know you’ve got the energy part down!

Part 1: bring the energy of connection into your life

There are many reasons why creating an energy of connection, or a “connected feeling” is one of the best things we can do to bring more connection into our lives. If you want a better understanding of why that is be sure to check out my other blogs. Here I’m going to focus on how to actually do it! I recommend following the first 3 steps in order, but know that it may be an iterative process (you might bounce back and forth between steps).

1. Get clear on what you want and why you want it

What kind of connection are you seeking? Friends who share your spiritual interests or hobbies? A romantic partner with similar life goals? Warm bodies to be around? There is nothing wrong with just wanting warm bodies to be around–most of us have probably been there at some point–but we can probably get more specific. Don’t limit yourself here, dream big.

I may not have received much of a response to this post, but within months all of the things I’d called in showed up for me (without 3rd party support)!

2. Tell the world what you want!

You may have heard me talk about this before, but I’m going to get deeper here.There are a few reasons for this and I want to get into them.

First off, you may know someone who can make the connection for you! Back in 2016 Facebook did some Research on the “6 degrees of separation” that you may have heard about. They found that, on Facebook, “each person in the world (at least among the 1.59 billion people active on Facebook) is connected to every other person by an average of three and a half other people” (Source.) In other words, there’s a pretty decent chance that people in your network know some of the people you’re hoping to find. By putting it out there, you invite them to make the connection.

It also encourages those close to you to assist you in achieving your goals. Sometimes this comes in the form of putting them on alert to call you out or call you in. Tell the right friend that you’re seeking to expand your business network, and if you tell them you’re going to skip the networking event because you don’t feel like it, they may supportively challenge you. “Do you really need the rest, or are you just trying to avoid disappointment? What if the right connection happens to be there, ready to meet you?” etc. This kind of call-in can help you shift your mindset and bring your most fun-to-be-around self out with you.

Now I’m going to get a little woo but only because  I’ve experienced this stuff in my own life and I’ve seen it work for countless others. When you say (out loud or in written form) that you want something, it actually puts that energy out there, helping to create more of it (I’m not going to go into the science here but feel free to look up). You may have heard of this referred to as the law of attraction. I also believe in a law of creation. When you put it out into the world that you want something, it helps you create trust that the experiences you’re having are actually meant for you. So instead of thinking it’s just a coincidence that the person next to you in line is wearing your favorite band’s t-shirt, you’re more likely to believe that you are supposed to talk to them and actually do it. And maybe when you do, you’ll find out that the band is going to be in town the next week, and that former stranger was having trouble finding a friend to go with. You’ll never know unless you say hi, and you might not trust that you should if you haven't called it in!

In 2020, when my spiritual journey was ramping up, I was hardcore desiring some local spiritual friends. I’ll never forget the day that I realized I should be able to manifest them and spoke it aloud. That afternoon a new person showed up at my meditation meetup. New people never showed up, and Erin apparently hadn’t planned to either, but she walked up talking about how “divine timing” brought her there. I had no doubt that the universe had just granted me my next spiritual friend, so I took the initiative and made sure we hung out again. We’re friends to this day, and I owe it to the trust that came with my intention to manifest (even though I hadn’t put any work into it yet!)

3. Determine how to create that connected feeling NOW.

Ask yourself how you can create that feeling with what you already have in your life. Will talking to plants or judgment-free animals (stuffed or real) do it for you? Will going to the beach or park and observing animals that coexist even though they're different? How about loving-kindness meditation, for yourself or others? Start doing whatever that thing is, preferably every morning. Especially during the times that you don’t feel connected. Some of this stuff might sound weird but I promise you, each of these things has worked or I wouldn't be writing about it!

4. Start looking for that connection wherever you go.

When you find something that reminds you of it, invite the feeling in and notice when you feel it. You don't always have to be part of it – for example you can take in the support that's all around you when you see one little kid helping another. Or you might be able to connect with a fisherman's joy even if you're not down with fishing. We get to choose what we interact with and take in. It also doesn't have to be real – we're focused on the feeling, not what's actually happening. For these purposes, it doesn't matter if the kid is helping the other kid because their mom made them. Or if the birds and dolphins are just “hanging out” because there are tons of fish around. We're not going to study it–feel free to use your imagination.

5. When you feel that connection, call more of it in.

I was introduced to this by Natalie Brite in one of the classes she offers in her membership, now known as the School of Business with a Conscience (affiliate link). At first I’d repeat the words she does in that course: “thank you, more please!” It was ridiculous how quickly stuff started manifesting for me—even a little scary at first— but I’ll save that for another blog. I often still do verbalize it (either out loud or in my head) but shift the words around, often to “YES, UNIVERSE!!! thank you for the abundance of connection! and love and light! Please keep it coming!” Whatever you say or don’t say it’s just important that it FEELS real to you.

These 5 steps going to help you create the connected energy you’re wishing to feel, and should bring more of it to you if you stick with it. But how do we convert connecting with people to actually hanging out with them? Next up are some practical tips to do that, in no particular order.

Part 2: Go from connecting with others to actually hanging out with them

Feeling connected to others is great, but most of us want more than a warm fuzzy feeling after smiling at a stranger on the street. Here are some practical tips to help you actually begin to spend time with new people. That might look like hanging out as friends, going on a date, or hosting a workshop together. Whatever kind of real life connection you’re looking for, these tips should help! Take one or take them all—whatever resonates—and use them in whatever order feels right to you.

1. Protect your energy.

This is going to allow you to show up and get out there more. If you’re not familiar with how to protect energy, energetic shielding is a great technique that I recommend using every morning. Another way to protect your energy is by saying no to doing stuff that you don’t truly want to do, and giving yourself time to rest and recover. I know some people encourage “being a F*** Yes Friend”. I agree that it can be beneficial to get out there and try new things, but it’s also important to save energy for the things that ignite your interest.

Who doesn’t love receiving an authentic compliment?!

2. Say nice things when you have nice things to say.

Compliments are great because not only do people love hearing nice things about themselves, they open up a doorway for conversation. Keep them authentic, and I recommend staying away from complimenting others’ bodies if you’re not sure if they’d want to hear it. If you're into working out like I am, this might mean restraining the urge to congratulate someone's great butt. The goal is to be friendly, not creepy.

3. Focus on what you do want, not what you don't.

This is super important when you're deciding what you want to call in because, as I learned in a neurolinguistic programming (NLP) course and have experienced in real life, the subconscious does not hear negatives. This means that it's not going to hear “I don't want to spend my Friday nights alone anymore,”  it's going to hear “ I want to spend my Friday nights alone”.  It's also important in conversation because it creates a more inviting energy. If you meet someone cool that you’d like to develop a platonic friendship with, this might sound like “hey, you seem like someone I'd love to be friends with,” instead of explaining that you don’t want to date them.

4. Know that your value isn't tied to anyone else’s acceptance.

You want to know this and feel this. If you ask someone to collaborate on a project or hang out as friends and they say no, all that means is that the word no came out of their mouth in that moment. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't want to; maybe they're just not available for it right now. There is a chance that they actually don't want to; your energy might for them now. But that doesn't mean you are not a great person worth knowing. I am telling you with utmost confidence that you are.

• Internalizing that we are inherently worthy regardless of others’ opinions helps us take more “risks”  by talking to new people and seeking out more opportunities because we realize that they're not risks at all. Once we get really comfortable with ourselves, the only cost of being told no, if we ask a question in an authentic way and truly leave the person the freedom of choice, is typically the time that it took us to ask that question. Learn more about this in my blog on how to connect with yourself.

• On a similar note, if someone says “ yes I do want to be friends but no, this time doesn't work for me,”  there is a really good chance that that's what they mean. It's okay to ask again. This doesn't mean that you should badger them, but you can always ask a few times and always leave it the final time as “ okay, I get that you're really busy so I'm going to stop asking. But you know where to find me if and when you do want to hang out!” This was my approach with Erin, the friend who showed up in divine timing to my meditation meetup. It took a few tries until we were able to coordinate our schedules but now we hang out all the time, so I’m really glad I didn’t let fear of rejection keep me from asking a second time!

  • Note that this is not an invitation to be creepy. No does mean no.

5. When you’re ready to invite someone to connect in a new way, ask them to do something specific.

This makes it a lot easier for them to say yes and make plans. If you just say “let’s hang out sometime” there’s a good chance that it’ll never actually happen, even if you both want it to. Some options for specific plans are “would you like to go for a walk on Tuesday,” “ go for a bike ride,” “go see this great band Wednesday night,” “check out this ramen restaurant I’ve been meaning to try”, etc.

• It also helps to invite them to something that you actually want to do, for a couple reasons:

  • It makes it easier to commit to spending that time together because you know that you’ll enjoy yourself regardless of how you get along. I love inviting new friends or first dates to the farmers market for this reason. Even if our conversation doesn’t flow I’ll get to taste some interesting stuff and get most of my grocery shopping done, so why not meet them on a Saturday?

  • When we’re having fun we tend to be more fun to be around! Whoever we’re with is likely to have more fun too. (Remember the law of attraction we talked about above?)

6. Make space.

If your life is full of a bunch of unfulfilling connections, you won't have room for the ones you want to call in. Same goes if your schedule is chock-full of stuff that doesn't light you up. You have every right to change your mind about a relationship. By the way, if a connection doesn't feel good to you it might not feel good to the other person involved either. Even if you think they “need you,”  creating space is often good for both parties in an unfulfilling relationship.

7. Know that online spaces can breed real life connection.

I never expected to or logged in with this intent, but I’ve actually made a lot of friends through local Facebook groups over the last couple years. If you meet someone cool on Facebook or Instagram, consider asking them to hang out, keeping in mind the other tips we talked about above. Social media can also be a great way to get involved in the community, which both breeds a sense of connection and can be a great way to meet people. Try typing the name of your town into FB or IG and seeing what comes up.

• This is also true of online groups that make you feel connected even if no one else in it is local. If joining that global meditation group every Saturday makes you feel connected, you’ll likely carry that energy out into the world and be more likely to connect with others.

8. Be open.

Remember that you're calling in a feeling. It might not come in the physical form you expect, and that's okay. It also is okay to have some requirements around what physical form it does come in.

If all of this sounds really scary, I feel you and want you to know that you’re not alone. Connecting in real life is scary for a lot of people, but that doesn’t mean you can’t work through it! If you give some of these tips a try I think you might be pleasantly surprised, and I would love to hear how they work out for you. I also do support people with all of this as part of my coaching service. Not only would we come up with the right techniques FOR YOU, we’d be checking in every week and get to adjust based on what is and isn’t working. You can learn all about that at the link above or go ahead and book a discovery call with me today.