Enjoy Life More by Increasing Your Sense of Connection: 2 Simple Steps
Connection is one of the greatest gifts in life. It's what makes this world such an interesting and exciting place - The Human Experience so worth living that we want to keep doing it - even when we are in pain. It's what makes life so exciting. It's why we care so much about making friends and want our kids to get invited to Johnny's birthday party. Hell, it's why we want to get invited to Jimmy’'s birthday party! It's the reason that we strive so hard to fit in during our younger years. And why grandparents often pick up their whole lives and move across the country in their older years.
Connection isn't just human-to-human. It's also that thing that happens when a good book sparks something in us. That feeling that we get when a pet rubs against us, asking us to stroke its fur. It’s what makes drama so interesting, stories so captivating, and why a good movie locks us into our seat. When we connect with the main character we begin to care about what happens to them, story or not! We wouldn't have that experience if we simply saw them as an actor on a screen.
Connection is also that sensation many of us experience when we put down our phones and allow ourselves to get lost in nature. Some of us feel this strongly in the forest or mountains. For some it's on the bayou or in the marsh. Or out in the ocean, floating amongst the waves. Fight a big wave and you won’t get anywhere, but float with it and you’ll effortlessly rise.
Connection is also that blissful feeling we get when we really lock in with our own selves. With what is truly present in this moment. Some of us have figured out how to get there through meditation. Many of us are still working on it. Some can't even stomach the thought of meditation, but have found that feeling when staring out at a beautiful sunset, knee-deep in marsh water, or on the toilet before the rest of the household has woken up.
“Why do I have a hard time connecting?”
Connection is worth having – I believe that's obvious. But there are a lot of obstacles to it too, or at least perceived obstacles many of us have assisted in creating.
There are the never-ending to-do lists that start running through our minds once we hit our late teens. There's this expectation of others – or is it our own selves? - that we are constantly productive, which keeps us from enjoying those quiet moments between tasks.
There is this pressure that we constantly work toward some goal, and this expectation that we'll figure out exactly what we want to do with life and stick with it. And there’s the narrative many of us have internalized that we should be tough, try hard, and not be a quitter.
And then there's this thing that happens in our youth, when we start to think that to connect with others we have to fit in. That we have to be who others want us to be, if we want them to like us for who we are. That our weird hobbies and interests don't have a place in other worlds. That to connect with others we have to disconnect from parts of ourselves. If this is super confusing to read it’s because that story doesn’t make any sense. But it tends to persist in the subconscious, nonetheless.
Then there’s our societal approach to feelings. There are lucky individuals who escaped the recommendation to mute them; escaped the script that it is important to be strong and show up stronger. Or some who bucked the trend and let their tears flow anyway. I wasn't one of those though, and neither were most my friends in the small expat community I grew up in. We had to be strong because otherwise we were weak, and no one wanted to be friends with a wussy.
It's incredible how the stories we start to tell ourselves at such a young age continue to affect us as adults. I write that acknowledging that those words don't capture what really goes on. It's not a choice that most of us consciously make, it's something that we do to survive. The Lone Wolf would die without his pack, and for us human mammals it's pretty much the same. We don't tell ourselves to fit in just so we can feel cool. We do it because our biology is convinced that we have to in order to survive.
These patterns really take their toll. They’re why so many people wake up in their 30s or even in their 60s and ask themselves WTF they've done with their lives. “How did I spend all those years in that job I hate?” “ Why am I hanging out with these people?” “WTF Should I do with myself now?” “What do I even like?!!” “Who do I even like?!!” They’re why why so many of us, even when we are surrounded by other people, who may even be singing our praises, feel like we don't belong.
“When we give in to disconnection we give up on ourselves”
“Ok cool… but how do I find connection?”
Actual footage of me connecting with creatures that would have formerly made me run and hide (RDR 2019)
I like to focus on two main pillars when it comes to building connection: connection with self and connection with others. I believe that when we do the work in these areas the rest comes naturally. We begin to feel more connected with our environment and the giant snake we encounter when walking down Bourbon Street. Even if we’ve historically been TERRIFIED of snakes and found ourselves crouched behind a stranger on the other side of the street before being consciously aware we saw one. Ok maybe that’s not an experience everyone can relate to, but I swear that it will (probably) work with your neighbor’s yappy dog, too.
I have separate blogs that focus on each pillar independently with more specific tips, but there are a couple easy things you can do right now that will work for both. They seem simple, but I’ve found that the impacts are massive.
Step 1: Look for connection
Seriously, just look for it. Everywhere you go, in everything you do (when you remember).
Ultimately, I want you looking for the ways in which you already are experiencing connection. Once you start seeing some, you will start seeing more. This is our natural tendency. And as you do, it is quite likely that you will shift from just seeing them to actually feeling them. This is what we’re after. Because once you start feeling some, you’ll likely start feeling more. And once you’re feeling connected you’ll likely start to experience more moments of connection. And then more. The law of attraction at work.
For some, this may be a hard place to start. When we’re feeling disconnected we have a tendency to notice the ways in which we’re disconnected (also the law of attraction at work). And we don’t want to be exerting brute force here. This isn’t about forcing yourself to feel something. That doesn’t usually work.
If it does seem hard to you, start smaller. Look for the ways in which other things are connected. When you notice a sweet interaction between a child and their parent, notice that. Feeling a lot of resistance to other people right now? That’s ok. Start with a squirrel and its tree. A kite and its string. A branch and its leaf. And when you see these connected elements, pause to take them in. Just for a moment. It might start with an inner dialogue that you may or may not really believe such as “wow, that leaf couldn’t be there without that branch. And that branch couldn’t continue to grow without those leaves”. Practice this long enough and it's likely that you will start to believe them.
As you continue finding little elements of connection it is likely that they will grow bigger. Soon you might be able to take in the owner and its dog and receive that as a form of connection. Next the kid and their ice cream. And if you keep this going, I think that eventually you’ll be able to experience it between you and the ground. You and the grocery clerk. You and your neighbor, and maybe, eventually, with that person with the great smile who lives down the hall.
Step 2: Talk about connection
There are many reasons talking about connection can lead to creating it.
Our dialogue informs our thoughts, and our thoughts inform our feelings (in fact, these things all inform each other). You’ve probably experienced this before at work or school, when you were having a decent day and someone started complaining about how horrible your situation was. If you’ve stayed in one of those conversations long enough, you may also have begun to feel angry about how much work you had to do. While that never feels good, we can also use this flow to our advantage. Start talking about how connected you are and it will likely lead to you, and the people around you, feeling more connected.
Another reason is that most of us can easily connect with the topic of connection. Whether we’re experiencing it or lacking it, it’s something we’re biologically driven to want to experience. This makes it a good topic to connect with other people over. As my mentor Natalie Brite said when we were talking about it (or you could say, connecting over it), “we connect through exploring connection. The very act of exploring this topic creates connection for people.” I couldn't agree more.
I’ve been experiencing this a lot lately. Sometimes I’m the one who brings it up, and the person I’m speaking to (often, a stranger) adds to it. Other-times they start it and I get to add to it. I love seeing where these conversations take us and can’t think of an example where it didn’t feel good. I always leave those conversations feeling connected; not just inspired by the connection that we were speaking about but also connected to the actual being that I was just connecting with. Even if 5 minutes earlier they were just another person in the store I was in, or a stranger observing birds on the beach.
I’ve also found this to be true when I talk about feeling disconnected, either in present or past tense. One reason being that it gives others an opening to relate to us. Whenever I talk about how I used to often feel like I didn’t fit in, the person I am talking to says that they can relate. So far this has happened every single time, no matter how popular or well integrated that person may seem. Suddenly we’re connecting over how we used to, and sometimes still do, feel a lack of connection.
Please note that talking about how we feel disconnected is very different than talking about all of the ways in which we’re not connected. If we start doing that (“I’m the only one who ______”) we’re likely to start seeing more of the ways in which we’re “the only one”. What I’m suggesting is talking about our feelings or about what we want to experience. “I wish I was better at (knitting, softball, meditating, or whatever you’re gathered to do) is much more likely to be met by a ‘me too’ or ‘don’t worry, I was new once too and you’ll get there!’ than a ‘yeah, you suck and you should probably leave’.
Another reason verbalizing our feeling of disconnection helps is that talking about our emotions gives them space to exist. Sometimes this is all they require and results in them subsiding shortly after. I remember experiencing this in 2020 in a Zoom circle with a group of entrepreneurs. I didn’t feel like an entrepreneur yet, but I had felt a pull to join the group. Once inside I was extremely uncomfortable. My heart was pounding and face was burning, anticipating my turn to speak. When my time came I expressed out loud that I felt anxious and like I didn’t really belong there. Suddenly my anxiety was drastically lower. The voice that was telling me I shouldn’t be there subsided, and I was able to enjoy the rest of the meeting. Later it became clear that I wasn’t the only one who had been wondering if they belonged in the group.
I saw this happen several times in my old corporate job too, toward the end when I was more touch with my feelings. One person would mention their anxiety, discomfort in meetings, or “imposter syndrome”, and suddenly others would be chiming in about how they felt the same way. I watched this create a shift for the better in those involved. (Note: I’m not compelling you to do this if it doesn’t feel right or you don’t feel safe being vulnerable in the space you’re in. Like with everything else I share, it’s an offering; something you can try on if you want to to see if it’s a good fit.)
So, there you have it. Two “simple” tips to become more connected: look for (and feel) the connection that already exists around and within you, and talk about it. Simple on paper, but not so easy for everyone in practice, especially in the beginning. Fortunately there are many means of support for that. Transformational Life Coaching with me is one of them. You can learn more about that on my Coaching page which has info to get in touch with me if you’d like to discuss it further.
Want to keep exploring this topic?
Check out my blog on learning how to connect with yourself …. or my blog on creating real-life connection and relationships!
