Maintaining Sanity With Family (Feb 2023 Newsletter)
This month I’ve been pretty occupied by the PQ (positivity quotient) coaches training I mentioned last month.
I’ve juuuust started incorporating it into my client sessions, so I’ll have to wait to share those results. But I have seen massive growth in myself since starting the program a month and a half ago!
It has helped me become more aware of the negative “voices” in my head, known as Saboteurs. The awareness of these Saboteurs has been incredibly impactful. As Eckhart Tolle says, “Awareness is the greatest agent of change”.
Through this process, I discovered one of my biggest saboteurs, “Restless”, which is always looking for something better to do.
It was Restless that packed my seat-back pocket full on my flight to Montana. Even though I wanted to read my book on the flight, what if I decided I wanted to watch a movie, listen to music, or read from my kindle? It wanted to prepare me for all options, so I did. Not realizing at the time that doing so was fueling the voice in my head that’s constantly distracting me from the task at hand.
I developed this awareness in Montana so I changed my behavior on the flight home. I kept my seat-back pocket empty. In hindsight, I already knew this trick: I believe James Clear (author of Atomic Habits) would refer to it as making my bad habit “invisible”. It worked: I made serious progress in the book I wanted to read!
In addition to building awareness, the PQ program has also made a huge impact on my ability to stay present. One of the requirements is to do several “PQ reps”, which I think of as little mindfulness moments, throughout the day. Several techniques are offered in addition to focusing on the breath, such as bringing attention to the ridges of the fingertips, sound, your feet on the floor, and more.
These techniques are amazing because they can be done anywhere and can make an impact in just 10 seconds. My mindfulness practice used to be largely limited to the morning; I would do a sitting meditation when I’d wake up, and that would be it. My sense of presence has increased since adding in these little reps throughout the day, wherever I am, like in line for the grocery store or in the backseat of my parents’ car. Clients are loving them too! Check out my Instagram for some techniques I've shared that people there have been loving 🙂
I believe that my improved ability to return to presence was a contributing factor to the best family vacation I’ve ever had. I’ll talk more about that below!
Lessons from Life:
I had the lovely opportunity to spend a week with my family in Montana this month. I hit the slopes three days with my dad and sis, celebrated my mom’s birthday, and watched the Super Bowl at my parents’ favorite bar and restaurant (they love it so much they’re part owners).
It was the best family vacation I’ve ever had, and not because Montana is awesome (it is, but we’ve been to some pretty cool places together).
This was my best family vacation thanks to my healing journey and because I put myself first:
I stuck with my morning routine every single day.
I took some alone time to recharge my batteries. Working at a coffee shop without my parents’ background noise greatly improved my time with them.
I primarily ate the food that makes me feel good, even though that meant skipping a couple family meals out and bringing lunch to the mountain.
I drank less alcohol than I usually do when I’m with family (or snowboarding). This might seem counterintuitive but paid off. I still had a great time with them on the nights I didn’t, and my fuse was the shortest the mornings after I did. (BTW, virgin Moscow Mules were a delicious replacement that didn’t leave me feeling left out.)
I paused throughout the day to do PQ reps to stay present. Often telling my family I needed 2-5 minutes and going into the other room. (Bonus: my mom and sister joined me on multiple occasions, and even as non-meditators they enjoyed the practice too.)
I did my best to maintain loving, nonjudgmental awareness of my actions and my triggers. When I did get triggered by my family I did my best to be kind to myself. Then I’d return to the present with PQ reps.
While it might seem selfish to “put yourself first” on a family vacation, it's not. In fact, increasing your level of ease may carry over into your family dynamics (as it did with mine). When you’re tense, those around you are more likely to feel tense. They may even get defensive, subconsciously wondering if you’re blaming your tension on them. Using self care to reduce your tension and increase your ease is therefore a gift for everyone around you.
I wasn’t perfect on this trip. My Controller (aka Chess Master) saboteur came in hard and led to me being not so nice to my sister. But thanks to the PQ practice I recognized it before long. I was able to apologize in an authentic way and improve my behavior with minimal judgment towards myself. I noticed that our relationship felt much more easy and smooth than the last time we were together.
Now I’d love for you to pause and reflect if you feel inclined:
How can you take better care of yourself, the next time you’re sharing space with others?
Can you name the negative voices, aka, saboteurs, in your head?
With an awareness of those saboteurs, can you begin to relate to them in more mindful ways?
Send me an email or and let’s discuss! Supporting folks in identifying these answers and overcoming obstacles is a big part of what I do 🙂 Or if you’re ready for support changing your life and relationships, request a free discovery call today!
