You Deserve Better: How to Overcome Your Limiting Beliefs
Believe. There’s so much power in that one simple word.
Photo of a pillar in my Lasso-inspired-friend’s home.
It’s why Ted Lasso posted it in the locker room. And why “I Believe I Can Fly” hits so good even though the person who wrote it is a creep. I get a powerful feeling in my chest when I hear the reminder if I see it, I can be it!!! If I believe it, I can achieve it!!!!
So what if you don’t believe it? Or worse, what if you believe some horrible, no-good, very-bad thing that isn’t even true?
Most of us can probably think of a time that doing so ruined our chances at something in our childhood years. Maybe you didn’t believe you were good enough to make the team, so you didn’t bother trying out. Or didn’t believe that cute kid in your class would like you, so you didn’t bother asking them out. Personally, I didn’t think I’d have the work ethic to memorize the lines, so I took a boring elective I can’t recall instead of Acting 2. That irritates me to this day.
Harmful (aka negative, aka limiting) beliefs mess with adults often, too.
In the workforce it disproportionately affects women. You’ve probably heard the statistics that women are unlikely to apply for jobs to which they don’t have all of the credentials, because they believe they won’t get them. Meanwhile, their male counterparts often are placed into those roles. Since they don’t believe that they can’t, they apply anyway. Which makes them much more likely to get the job than the woman who doesn’t apply.
The thing about harmful beliefs is that we often don’t know we have them. When I was paralyzed by fear that I wouldn’t succeed after transferring into a “real” engineering job vs. the project management roles I’d had to date, my storyline was, “I don’t know what I’m doing. They’ll find out I’m a fake”. In my mind it was completely true; I had no idea it was just a limiting belief.
In reality, I believed it so intensely that I almost rescinded my acceptance of the new job. Even though I knew it would put a huge stain on my career (it was a lateral promotion with the company I was already working for). Fortunately, a more experienced coworker explained that I was feeling imposter syndrome, and she knew I’d succeed. I borrowed some of her belief to get me through the move, and I’m so glad I did. That role set me up to take on an even more technical job in California, one of the best moves I’ve ever made.
Unfortunately, the vast majority of humans believe all sorts of nasty stuff about themselves.
I've been surprised this year to learn about the many harmful beliefs people have that they are aware of. I’ve had countless folks tell me they don’t believe they deserve to have financial success. Others believe that life has to be hard to be meaningful. One client was aware that they believed they deserve to suffer. And others (this seems to be common for folks in their early 20s) believe they don’t deserve to be fully healed at such a young age. If their parents are still suffering why should they get to heal?
Even more harmful than the beliefs I mentioned above are the ones that people don’t know they have. Let’s take imposter syndrome (believing you don’t deserve your success) for example. People who know they have imposter syndrome can remind themself of that when it presents itself: “even though I don’t believe I’m good enough to get promoted, that’s probably my imposter syndrome talking again. I should apply anyway.” In contrast, the person who doesn’t know they have imposter syndrome is more likely to believe the voice that tells them they don’t deserve the promotion: “I’m not good enough to get promoted, so I won’t even apply.”
My job as a life coach has taught me that just about everyone has the worst kind of limiting beliefs: the ones they’re not aware of. I know that I do. Despite working on myself for years, when I experience fear I often find that it’s related to a limiting belief. That’s what had me future-tripping and entering a state of near panic despite being at an incredibly relaxing resort in Arizona… until I changed my beliefs and mindset. (Click here for that story.)
Recently I started future-tripping again about a potential relationship.
One morning I lay in bed. Thoughts spiraling and my jaw tense, I realized I was in a state of fear.
That didn’t go away after my morning meditation, so I sat myself down for a healing session and dove in. I used my pendulum to identify the beliefs underneath the fear. I found several, including the belief that I didn’t fully deserve a healthy relationship. How the fuck is someone supposed to have a healthy relationship if they don’t believe they deserve one?
I also did not believe I could trust myself to make the right choices when it came to the relationship. If you don’t think you can trust yourself to make the right decision for your future, of course you’re going to be scared!
I’d feel a little lighter with each belief I’d discover, and even better after releasing it. It was validating to know that there were reasons behind my fear and that they were fixable. Intellectually I know that I deserve healthy relationships - everyone does! I just had to get my subconscious on the same page.
How do you get rid of limiting beliefs?
My clients tend to love pendulum healing, too!
There are many tools to do this, but my favorite is energy healing. I use a pendulum in my work which I love because of its efficiency. In a one-hour session with myself, I identified and released about five harmful beliefs. If you’re interested in learning how I can support you with a combination of traditional coaching and energy clearing, you can request a free discovery call.
If energy healing isn’t accessible to you, that’s ok.
The biggest thing is to make yourself aware of the beliefs that are holding you back. You can do this by asking yourself (or preferably, inviting someone else to ask you) what those beliefs are. You can start with a generic question like, “what do I believe that is making this so hard?” You may be able to get farther though if you ask about specific beliefs, such as “do I believe I deserve this?” “Do I believe I can trust myself?” “Do I believe that I will be safe if I get what I want?” If you have a spiritual practice, you may want to ask whom or whatever you pray or talk to.
Just knowing about these beliefs is extremely helpful. If you know you don’t believe you deserve healthy relationships, when you start to react strongly toward a partner, remind yourself of that. “Am I really mad at them, or am I sabotaging myself again to avoid getting what I don’t think I deserve?” Simply challenging your thought process may keep you from spinning out.
I recommend taking it a step further to begin rewriting those beliefs. You may want to use a ritual to watch those beliefs disappear. This could look like writing them on soluble paper and watching them disappear into water, or burning them in a bonfire.
Affirmation work is also a powerful tool.
It’s quite simple: just write out affirmations that affirm the beliefs you want and repeat them several times a day. While this can be helpful on its own, it will be more effective if used after you’ve done some work to identify and eliminate your limiting beliefs.
The bathroom mirror is one of my favorite places to post my affirmations
It’s important that you have a positive reaction to the affirmations at the time you are speaking them, so you may have to do this in baby steps. For instance, if your body gets tense when you say “I deserve a healthy relationship” you don’t want to start there. You may be able to start with “I deserve to be happy” or “All people deserve healthy relationships”. Once you’re able to accept that in every fiber of your being, write yourself a new affirmation that gets you a little closer to your end goal.
Belief work can be heavy and triggering, so you may want to employ support. Depending on what you’ve been through this might look like a therapist, a coach, a spiritual guide, or a trusted friend. If you ever feel like you get in over your head or have a negative reaction, take a break. You’ve likely lived with some of these beliefs for a lifetime, and likely can’t release them all in one day. (Yes, I have learned this from taking my own healing too hard and fast!)
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Hi! I’m Bara.
I’m a transformational life coach and speaker… and a former engineer. I transformed my life and mindset, and now I help others do the same.
Are you thrilled with life? You deserve to be. Learn more about how I support folks in creating lives filled with joy and meaning here. Or click here to request a free discovery session. Let’s get to know each other and learn if and how I can support you.
